At 9:18 am Kevin and I saw the most perfect baby. Our baby. And later that day after work I wrote this but never published it:
"Today we saw this:
There are no words to describe it...just the emotions in my heart. And my eyes welled up with tears and I fell madly deeply in love all over again with this precious little baby.
It's moments like this that will never get old. I told the technologist that my baby was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. He responded by saying "they're all cute." No dude they aren't all cute only mine is the cutest (yes OK I know I'm extremely biased but come on we all think it...our babies are the cutest). But I wasn't going to argue...I knew my baby was the cutest:-)"
I was in love but I knew something was wrong. I just knew. The technologist spent a little more time taking measurements of the baby's heart...and I just knew deep down inside my own heart that something was wrong.
And then the phone call came later that day. Nothing in the world prepares you for such news.
"Shortly after I wrote this post my doctor phoned and I heard the words no mother ever wants to hear:
"I don't want to scare you but..."
too late, my heart stopped, I'm panicking...
"Your baby has pericardial effusion"
"I don't want to scare you but..."
too late, my heart stopped, I'm panicking...
"Your baby has pericardial effusion"
Those gut wrenching words. The feeling that your world is crumbling, falling apart at your feet. My head was spinning and it felt as if I had just been kicked in the stomach. I so badly didn't want to hear the words that were coming out of his mouth. I wanted to scream "NO this isn't happening!" I wanted to cry. I wanted to rewind time and pause it. I didn't want this to be happening. But it was and I knew it was and my heart ached. It ached so bad for my unborn baby.
We were told the fluid around the baby's heart was at a high normal level and that I would need to have a further, more detailed ultrasound at BC Woman's Hospital to get more information. I asked the same questions over and over again but yet my mind couldn't retain any of that information. I couldn't process what was going on. I was a mess.
"I am panicking. I am worried. I am fearful. And I am an emotional wreck. I want all my babies to be healthy. I would give anything for that. It all just feels like a bad dream and the worst part about falling asleep, is waking up knowing it wasn't just a bad dream."
I never did publish that post. It was too hard. It's still so hard to read and I still get emotional thinking about it. In my post I asked for prayers, but really I was begging and pleading. I needed every prayer I could get. I prayed harder then I ever had. I made all sorts of promises to God. I begged. I pleaded. I promised to give up all my wordly possessions..."just please let me baby be ok!"
Waiting for my next ultrasound was the longest wait of my life. How do you just sit and wait. It was all out of my control. There was nothing I could do.
On September 1, 2011 we arrived at BC Woman's Hospital. My stomach in knots. My anxiety high. I prayed and I prayed over and over again. I started sacrificing our money, our house, our cars, the clothes off my back...anything and everything. I kept praying for our baby's health.
The ultrasound was extensive. There were a lot of people in the room including a paediatric heart doctor (I don't know his exact title). They were very open and vocal about what they were seeing but they seemed positive and optimistic and that in turn calmed my nerves and eased my fears abit.
And then came another gut wrenching blow. They asked to measure my cervix because Lincoln was born 5 weeks early and it was never understood why. I obliged and had my cervix measured. It was short. 1.9cm to be exact. Two weeks earlier it was 4cm. This was not normal and it was worrisome to the doctors. At first I didn't get it. I was more concerned about the baby's heart. I didn't understand what they were getting at until we met with the doctor. She said I was at risk for a pre-mature baby. Still no biggie for me...Lincoln alot to process. My emotions and thoughts were scattered everywhere!
It hit me the next day...hard and 5 days later I was emotionally wrecked. Completely drained. I was devastated. On September 6, 2011, exactly a year ago today, I walked back into work after my doctors appointment, to inform my manager I was going on bed rest until further notice. Little did I know that would be my last day of work. I didn't get to leave my job skipping out the door with a big smile on my face and my box of personal belongings. I left with swollen eyes from crying and a heavy heart. I cried in my car the whole way home. It was not how I ever envisioned my last day of work and it definitely wasn't how I envisioned my last pregnancy.
The days, weeks and months after that were the hardest days of my life. Emotionally I was lost. Up one minute down the other. I've never experienced so many highs and lows in my life. It was a very dark time in my life but yet it was also filled with so much light and love. I kept thinking back to the day I found out I was pregnant. After I celebrated the good news with Kev I got this sick feeling that something was wrong and that something was going to happen. I tried to brush it off. I always worry. I hoped it was just me being my worrisome self. I think deep down I always knew. And what worried me the most was knowing that we were not exempt from having something wrong with our baby. Bad things happened to good people all the time. It was such an unsettling feeling.
People would ask how I was doing and I'd smile and say fine. I didn't like talking about it. Deep down inside I wanted to scream "I'm not fine! I'm a wreck. I want to close my eyes and sleep until this baby is born." I wanted to go back in time before we found out about her heart! I so badly wanted this to just be a nightmare. I didn't want this to be my reality. And when reality did set in, it hurt. It hurt so bad. I loved that baby in my belly and it was a real simple decision to not find out the gender because I knew deep down in my heart that if we found out what we were having things would change. I would be come more attached. I would start dreaming of our life with our little boy or little girl. I just couldn't go there. I knew it would hurt too much if things didn't go in our favor. I couldn't bring myself to that place. I was already attached and already so in love. I was scared to fall deeper in love, and deeply attached. I was scared for the hopes and dreams I had for that baby because I didn't know what the future held. I needed to take it every day at a time and not knowing what we were having helped me cope with the situation.
I spent my days on the couch, waiting, watching time pass. It wasn't easy with the 2 boys. I wasn't always patient and we watched way too many cartoons. The highlight for me was pumpkin spice lattes. It was my "out of the house" treat. When I needed out of the house I'd pack up the boys and go get a pumpkin spice latte. We'd take a drive or I'd take them to Eagle Mountain Park. When I drink pumpkin spice lattes I think of my pregnancy with London and that warms my heart. And the other day, when I had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season, it brought me back to last year and all that it held. A simple taste brought back so many memories and so many emotions.
London's pregnancy seemed like I was running the longest race of my life and with each passing week I got closer and closer to the finish line. Sometimes I was running full steam ahead. Other times I was dragging myself and the finish line seemed so far away. But I didn't stop, I dragged my beaten body to that finish line and when I got there it was the sweetest victory. Each week I celebrated. Each milestone was such a victory. I don't want it to come across that my pregnancy with London sucked. There were times when it did. It was a very trying time in my life. But there was plenty of good that came from her pregnancy as well. I got to spend so much time with my boys, my strength and belief in God was renewed, and I was afraid my third pregnancy would fly by and trust me...it didn't:-) When I'd feel a little kick or she'd roll around...those were the moments that made it good. Those were the times I enjoyed and loved being pregnant. Feeling that little babe inside me knowing that the longer she stayed in the healthier she'd get (although I didn't know she was a she:-) I loved my belly and I loved my baby. I just didn't love the reminder that there was always something wrong...my cervix and her heart. That never left my mind. Those thoughts were always there. They burdened me.
And on December 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm (10 days after mine, my moms and sister in laws birthday) I finished that race. And I won. And that moment when that sweet little girl was placed on my chest was one of the greatest moments of my life. To see that baby and knowing she was healthy...oh there are no words. I clutched that body to my chest and I prayed. I thanked the Lord over and over again. I don't know why He gave us a healthy baby but I will be forever grateful.
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| I can still feel that sweet victorious moment. |
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| When my mom saw this photo she said, "you're praying." Indeed I was! So grateful for that moment and my healthy daughter. |
I still get emotional just thinking about her birth and all that I went through with her pregnancy. But I know one thing for sure...it strengthened my faith. In moments like that I knew 2 things could happen-I could blame God and be angry at Him or I could have faith and believe. I chose to believe and have faith and I still do!
The thought of another baby is tempting to be quite honest. I know my husband is done. He's very content with 3 but I on the other hand have had to think about it. I've had to dig deep into my heart to find the answer. Am I content with 3? And the answer to that: Yes, yes I am. I love baby's. I love feeling them inside my belly, I love birthing them, I love the snuggles and all the firsts! But having one more baby won't ever make those feelings go away. I will always want more children but I think my body is done. I've had to go to the dark place, those months of waiting for the unknown. I don't want to go back there again. I am content with counting my blessings and I am grateful with the 3 beautiful and healthy baby's the Lord has blessed me with. And with that...my heart is whole. It felt whole the moment London came into this world.
On August 19, 2012, 1 year after London's routine ultrasound...I celebrated quietly to myself. I reflected on the last year and I thanked the Lord for the billionth time for our sweet baby girl. On that day I danced with her and rocked her to sleep. She is my little miracle. She's my best friend. She's the one that made my heart whole. She helped to re-new my faith and showed me all the things that were important in life. Yes, she completes me:-)
If someone told me a year later I'd be sitting her with my beautiful healthy baby girl I don't think I'd believe them. In fact when people told me everything was going to be OK because they just knew it, I didn't believe them. I didn't have the same confidence. I thought the worst. There was one person I did believe...that sweet angel lady in the mall...who walked by me and said, "you're having a girl" and kept walking. I turned around and stopped her and she told me I was having a girl and she was going to be 6 pounds and she was going to be healthy. I believed her. That complete stranger in the mall...in my heart an angel. She calmed my heart...she truly did. She eased my mind and a peace came over me. I can't explain what her words did to me. I have big babies, even my premature Lincoln was a big baby, and that lady was right I had a 6 pound, healthy little girl.
Here we are a year later and I have never been more in love. I'm in awe of her and all that she has taught me. She's my missing piece. And she fills me heart with a different kind of love. One that can't be explained, only felt. And it's the best feeling ever. She is my constant reminder that life is short and to not take anything for granted. She has given me a new perspective on life. She radiates beauty and all things good and whole and perfect.
Funny how so much can change in a year:-)
She is my daughter. And today I will be grateful for where we are at in our lives. She is here and she is healthy. Thank you God for my sweet London Mackenna Lee!
"My precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
-Footprints in the Sand
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