My Deepest, Darkest Secret

I've been a little hesitat to share this but then I was reading Kelly Hamptons blog about her book and how we all have stories...so true...and that is why I have my blog...to tell my life stories and to document them.  It's my diary that I've opened up to the world.  I don't share all my stories...some are private and some are just plain old boring.  But this little sescret I'm going to share...

My confession...


And just so you know it kinda pains me to write this...


But I have always wanted a daughter.  Always.

There...I've said it.  I've admitted it.

And it pains me to say it because I think that if I had a third boy there would have been a little piece of my heart that would have never felt complete.  And its painful knowing that I felt like that.  Honestly I would hope that I would feel nothing but pure excitement and joy knowing I was going to bring another precious miracle into this world...but secrectly deep down inside, my heart ached for a daughter.

I feel so guilty for even thinking that.  I should have felt blessed and humbled...no matter what the gender of my baby was.  But when people asked "Are you hoping for a girl?"  I'd simply smile and say, "Oh it doesn't matter we just want a healthy baby" when really deep down inside I wanted to scream YES!!!!!  And every time I'd ask Lincoln what was in my belly and he'd say "a girl baby" I secretly hoped he was right!  I hated feeling that way.  I hated that I so badly wanted a daughter. 

I thought about the gender of our last baby alot.  It was fun and exciting not knowing.  Oh the anticipation!  I envisioned our life with our new little one.  I played out scenes in my head of what our life would be like with another little boy or a little girl.  I dreamt of the future. A lot of those visions and dreams were put on hold when we got news of London's heart.  I crumbled.  I was devastated.  And then the guilt set in.  I wanted a daughter.  I thought of it so much that I had forgotten about what was most important...health.  Was I being punished for being so selfish in wanting a daughter?  Was God teaching me a lesson?  I now know he wasn't!  I'd like to believe that God was testing my faith.  I think he was humbling me.  And I think He was putting things into perspective for me and for that I'm grateful.  I've often questioned myself whether I was wrong for thinking that...was it wrong of me to want a daughter?  Was I being selfish?  Was it bad to think that way?  Even now I find myself still feeling guilty.

And just to clarify...we did not have a third to "try for that girl" (ugh it annoyed me when people would say that) and if God would have told me that my third was going to be a boy, I still would have had a third baby (in fact I thought we were having another little boy).  I know I still would have felt blessed to have had three boys!  I know I still would have placed that tiny little body on mine and whispered in his ear how perfect he was.  And I know I would have told him I loved him.  And I know the world would have stopped the moment he was born just like it did when my boys were born.  I know I would have said things like "I'm so glad your not a girl" (I did with Nate) and I know I would have loved him unconditionally.  You don't love your children because of what gender they are...your love for you children is not measurable...it's unconditional.  And I think I would have been content with another little boy but I don't think I would have felt complete.  I did fear I'd feel disappointed.  And not disappointed to have had another boy (there is nothing disappointing about having a third healthy baby boy:-)...but I think I would have felt disappointed not knowing what is was like to have a daughter.  And I really didn't want to feel that way.  I never felt that way with my boys but knowing this was going to be our last baby I kinda feared I'd never know what is was like to have a daughter.  I did yearn for a girl.  There was always this piece of my heart that was missing. It was the unknown. And that unknown made my heart ache...what would it be like to have a daughter?

I wanted that bond.

I wanted to know what it was like to be the mother to a little girl.

I wanted to raise a girl.

My mother taught me so much what it was like to be a mom and I wanted to pass that knowledge down to my own daughter.

I had so many dreams about having a daughter.  Tea parties, barbies, American dolls, dress up, and shopping.  And I wasn't willing to let go of those dreams.  I kept them stored in my heart.  And not knowing what we were having gave me 9 months of hope:-)  And in those 9 months I also saw myself as a mother to 3 boys.  A mother that was surrounded by love from 4 men.  And that too made me smile:-) 

There were a few girly things I had bought throughout the years just in case I ever had a daughter and I have to say that the last few weeks of my pregnancy were rough.  My heart shed a little tear every time I opened up that closet and saw all those girl clothes. I just couldn't imagine never having a daughter to wear all those little girly things I had been collecting through the years.  And then there was my doll.  It's this old ugly doll that use to be my moms and then it was given to me.  I always wanted to pass that doll down to my own daughter.  I shed tears. I prayed for comfort but my heart still ached for a daughter.

I so desperately wanted to see my husband raise I daughter.  I wanted to see him walk her down the aisle.  I wanted that so badly.  I remember seeing Kevin hold our friends baby girl for the first time.  It was actually the same day I found out I was pregnant with Nathan.  And I remember my heart melting and I remember thinking "please God let us one day have a daughter."  I still have that picture.  And it still makes my heart melt every time I look at it. 

When Kevin and I were in Hawaii with the boys when I was pregnant he said to me "look Tab, it's your "perfect" family" referring to this beautiful family with 2 little boys and a little girl.  I will always remember that moment.  I will always remember where we were standing and the feeling I felt when he said that.  And I do think my family is perfect...not because I have 2 boys and a girl...but because they are mine and God chose me to be their mamma. And I find contentment in knowing that.

God answered my prayers. I know he heard my cries.  And I wish I would have trusted Him more.  He knows my future.  He had a plan.  And He knew I was going to have a daughter.  I had my little girl.
 

I'll never forget that moment, that moment I realized she was a girl.  I'll never forget the emotions that flooded my heart.  I'll never forget those feelings.  That feeling of wholeness.  My heart is satisified.  And now my dreams get to become reality. 

London completes my heart.  She completes our family.  And I look forward to our future and the relationship we'll build.  I can't say it enough but she's the perfect ending to my child bearing days!

You Know Your Bored When...

You know your bored when...

You check facebook every...30 seconds,
You clean out the container that holds your cleaning products,
You find your self pacing around the house aimlessly,
You keep your 3 year old up to keep you company,
You online shop to the point that there is nothing left to shop for,
You check your phone for text messages (when have I ever checked my phone for text messages),
You blog stalk,
You facebook stalk,
You write blog posts on boredom.

Yup totally bored!
-

My Night

Last night I reallized a few things while sitting in emergency:

1. I miss my mom (and dad)
2. Sitting in emergency alone sucks
3. My screen freezing every time I tried to play solitaire double sucks (how else was I suppose to pass time)
4. I'm thankful for our healthcare (after 2 sets of blood work, two ECG's and some x-rays) I never once thought "I wonder what this is going to cost me" even if I did have to wait 4 hours!
5. I'm ever so thankful my husband doesn't beat me (sounds riduculous to write but seriously-some crazy $&*% goes on out there and the emergency room is one place where people can air their dirty laundry).
6. I'm glad I didn't spend St. Patty's day at Station Pub getting drunk and passing out on the dance floor
7. I'm hoping I just had crazy heart burn (the unknown scares me)
8. I need to pray more
9. I love my babies more than anything and last night I realized how important not only their health is but my health as well!  This mama has got a lot to live for!
10. And last but not least...I realized how much I already missed my husband and he hadn't even left for Vegas yet.

Just a Little White Lie

Tonight I caught Lincoln lying.  This may be our first lie or so I'm hoping.  Here's the story...The blinds in his room were pulled up.  I asked him who did it.  He replied, "it wasn't me" and because he wasn't quick to blame his brother I knew it was him.  I asked him again who did it.  He replied, "a guy did it"  I couldn't keep a straight face as I asked him "what guy" and to which he then replied, "it was me."  Yes little man I know it was you.  We had a good talk about lying and how God sees everything (gotta put the fear of God in him early).  Let's hope this works!

Life with 3

When I was pregnant I was told a lot I was crazy for having a third...crazy!  I think not...in fact I think it's crazy that I'm only having 3 kids.  I remember a time in my life when I wanted 10 kids then I narrowed it down to 5.  And then it got further narrowed down to three! 

Another comment that use to drive me crazy was when people would say, "You're pregnant with your third?!  Oh you're going to be busy" or "You're going to have your hands full!"  Yes, yes I'm going to be busy, yes I'm going to have my hands full but I already have two little boys!!!  I'm already busy!  My hands are already full!  I didn't decide to have three kids because I thought it was going to be easy.  I had three kids because I wanted to be a mother to three kids.  I wanted that challenge of motherhood!  Raising three kids is hard work and I don't foresee it getting any easier but raising children is one of life's most precious gifts!  I love having three babies!  And I am happy to say I am more than content with 3.  In fact I feel very blessed to have 3 beautiful, healthy and happy children.

So how is life with 3 children? 


Life with 3 is just like life with 2-hectic and crazy at times mixed in with a lot of "I love these moments!"  Those crazy moments will never go away.  I had moments like that with 2 children and moments like that with 1 child.  I can honestly say that the transition from 2 to 3 has been the best and probably the easiest.  By the time the third one comes you've already learned so much.  My hardest transition was from 0 to 1.  I had no idea what it was like to have a baby.  I had no idea about sleep deprivation.  I had no idea how much a baby slowed you down.  Leaving the house wasn't as simple as getting in the car and going.  Leaving the house involved packing a diaper bag, getting 2 of us dressed and ready and making sure Lincoln was fed and changed.  Having my first baby was life changing and an eye opening experience.  By the time I made it to the car it seemed as if it was time to feed Lincoln all over again. 

And then came Nate.  And I learned how to juggle life with 2 babies.  I learned how to deal with a tantruming toddler while dealing with a newborn (praise God Nate was such a content baby).  By then I was already use to carrying around a diaper bag, I was already use to loading up one child into the car so what was another and I already knew what to expect with having a newborn.

And then came London.  It's a balancing act at times.  But I know what to expect (most of the time).  There is always that learning curve with welcoming a new baby into the family.  There's that transition period where everyone is getting settled in and adjusting.  And at this point we are just trying to find our new groove and it will come with time.

When I had Nate I remember thinking "wow it was so much easier leaving the house with just 1 kid then with two kids" and then you find your groove and leaving the house with 2 kids just becomes the new norm.  That's life.  And now we have 3 and yes it was easier leaving the house with 2 kids and adding another one makes it abit harder but I just need to find my groove.  I am just waiting for time to pass and I know soon enough loading up 3 kids into the car will become our new "norm".  It takes some work and it takes some patience.  Actually it takes alot of patience.  But I just do it.  And that's all you can do.  You.just.do.it.  You adapt and adjust. I always said that  having kids would never stop me from living life (or leaving the house).  We do stuff together as a family.  And yes having kids obviously slows me down.  That inevitable.  There are 5 of us that need to get dressed and ready so of course life gets slowed downed when you have kids.

Having three kids is alot more work but I've learned so much along the way that I feel I'm better equipped to deal with life's challenges (most of the time).  I know all kids are different but I'm more aware of what to expect with a 2 year old because I've already dealt with one (oh sweet Nathan you have your moments).

One of my challenges with 3 kids is that I only have 2 hands.  It's hard when I'm with all 3 kids and we are in a parking lot or crossing the road.  I have a hand to push London in the stroller and another hand to hold Nate's.  That leaves out Lincoln.  And I almost feel like because he's the oldest I'm sacrificing him to the dangers of a parking lot (ahhh if only I had another hand:-).  I've taught him the dangers of parking lots and crossing the road and he does such a good job of holding onto the stroller or holding onto Nate's hand but I feel guilty at times that I don't always have a hand for him.



Yes life with 3 is more busy but I still have time to clean!  Nope I don't have a house cleaner.  And I can happily say that my house is cleaner now then it was when it was just Kevin and I.  If I walk by a bathroom and I have a few minutes I scrub the toilets.  I wipe the counter. I change the garbage and do a quick wipe of the floors.  I do what quickly needs to be done.  If I have 15 minutes then I need to make the most out of those minutes.  I just getter' done because I know the house isn't going to clean itself.  And it helps having a 3 year old:-)  Lincoln is now in charge of cleaning his room and the play room (ah the joys of child labor:-)  Life with 3 is all about multi-tasking, and "killing 2 birds with one stone."  I read the kids their bed time story while I feed London.  I exercise while I watch my pvr'd shows. There just isn't enough time in a day to not muti-task.  And when it comes to laundry-I do it then put it away (I make it a priority) cause Lord knows if I don't the clothes would sit in the dryer and I'd keep hitting the "refresh" button:-)  I've been guilty of that a time or two!  And as I've mentioned before-I don't put my vacuum cleaner away (only for special occasions).  I save time by having it handy-there is ALWAYS something to vacuum:-)

Life is a balancing act no matter how many children you have.  And one important aspect of my life is time with my husband.  I remember having Lincoln and missing Kevin even though he was home with us.  I missed that quality time.  This time around I feel like I've/we've made that time.  Sometimes our lives gets so centered around our children that we've forgotten/don't make time for each other.  London's my third baby...I've learned the importance of a schedule and an early bedtime.  The earlier the kids go to bed the more time I get to spend with Kevin.  And I think he's a pretty great guy so I kinda like hanging out with him:-)

And even though life can be hectic sometimes I wouldn't change a thing.   I love having three babies and one of the best things about a having a third?...I get to love one more child:-)  That's one more baby that brings joy to my life.  I think three is our magic number:-)  And I'm living my dream...being a mom, and a wife.  Really...life couldn't get any better (well maybe it could with a little less whining and a little less fighting) but either than that life with 3 babies is great!  I highly recommend having 3:-)

Barefoot Sandals

Nothing is more impressive than amazing customer service.  I found these sweet little barefoot sandals on etsy...and I didn't order them right away (kev told me I was doing WAY too much online shopping).  He was probably right so I decided to wait and order them a little closer to when we were leaving.  So today I went online to buy them and the company is on vacation until April 1!  I was heart broken!  I wanted those sandals for London so bad.  So I left them a message and to my surprise they opened up their online store so that my sweet little London could get a pair...in pink:-)  I was so grateful and very much appreciated their amazing customer service!!!

http://www.zuzii.com/product/ooiitm-linen

Now seriously how cute are these sandals!  I find it so hard trying to keep shoes on a newborn but think all babies should wear shoes (it completes the outfit) and I'm thinking these will be absolutely perfect!!!!

Birth Announcements

I'm a little late in posting this but better late than never:-) 

This time around I ordered London's birth announcements from Tiny Prints.  And they are beautiful!!!!  By far my favorite birth announcements!  I have always loved tri-fold announcements but they're pricey and with this being our last baby I figured now was my chance to do it!  And because I'm so indecisive I ordered two kinds.  The tri-fold ones for family and the regulare ones for friends.

front



back



front

back

Frumpy

Yesterday was mommy, daughter, grandma shopping day.  We were heading down to the states to go bridesmaids dress shopping and we decided to spend the whole day shopping.  I needed a day like that.  I've been feeling frumpy.  And I did a huge clean out of our closet and had to get "real" with some of the clothing items I had been hoarding.  I am happy to say they are now in a bag on their way to MCC.  In the last 5 years I've been pregnant 3 times.  My wardrobe needs to be updated.  And as I was getting ready to leave the house yesterday my husband said some amazing things that included "buy your self a purse" and "spend some money on new clothes for yourself."  He makes me smile.  And that is why I married him.  He knows the right words to say and when to say them.  And I know he appreciates all that I do for the kids and him.  And yesterday I did feel appreciated:-)

I bought two purses (I love purses) and some clothes.  Nothing fancy.  Just every day clothes to wear around the house or when I'm out and about with the kids.  When I'm at home I can't help but feel frumpy...I wear the same things over and over and over again!  And pinterest doesn't help my feeling of frumpiness...in fact it worsens it!  All those outfits beautifully coordinated together.  Ah if only I had my own personal stylist.

And although I had a great time shopping I couldn't help but feel guilty for shopping for myself.  Why do I do this?  I don't think twice about spending money on the kids but for some reason I always feel guilty spending money on myself.  I know I shouldn't.  And I 've been working out (thank you Jackie Warner and your ab video and my elliptical machine) and I know it's good to reward myself with new clothes.  I do have a list of things I still need to get for myself which includes a new pair of jeans, a pair of white skinny's, a denim shirt, cuffed sandals and some accessories!  I did find the perfect denim shirt and white skinny's in my moms closet...now I'm hoping she never asks for them back!