Tomorrow marks a new chapter in our lives. Lincoln starts kindergarten. It's a day I've been dreading. I think it's the realization that my little boy isn't so little any more. It pains me knowing he's not going to be home with me every day. There's a lot of trust that goes into sending your child off to kindergarten and I've come to realize I'm not a very trusting person. I have to put my trust into his teacher-I'm trusting she'll take care of him. And I'm trusting my son will make the right decisions. And I'm putting all my trust in the Lord to watch over him when I can't. This is big for me. Letting go and trusting others.
First off I have an issue with full time kindergarten. I don't like the idea. I understand for some working mothers and fathers its probably more convenient but for me (a stay at home mom) I don't agree with it. I'd prefer part-time kindergarten. I'd prefer to have Lincoln home with me for half the day. I just think it's so much for a 5 year old to take in. 6 hours a day at school is a lot. And selfishly I'm not ready to hand him over to someone else for that long!
Kindergarten is a big deal. And as a mother I'm worried. I worry about school shootings, natural disasters, and bullying. I worry about his safety and well being. Have a raised a good son? Have I taught him everything he needs to know. Have I prepared him? Will be he nice to others? Will he show love and compassion? Will he be respectful and polite? Will he listen? Will he obey? What if he's bullied? What if he's the bully? I know these are all things I will continue to teach him but have I instilled those things deep into his heart? Will he be a follower or a leader? Will he make good decisions? Will he be nice and make friends easily? What if he makes friends with the kids you don't want him to make friends with? What if he's a trouble maker? What if he's a loner and plays by himself? What if he has difficulty learning? Will it affect his self esteem? I've spent countless hours worrying about things I may not even need to worry about but there are just so many "what ifs" and knowing I can't be by his side scares me.
Last night after our prayers Lincoln said to me, "mommy can we cuddle?" He loves to cuddle and I'm afraid kindergarten will change him. I'm afraid he'll no longer want to hold my hand or cuddle. I'm afraid my goodbye kisses and hugs will embarrass him in front of his friends. I'm afraid he'll mature into a little man and want less to be with me. I want him to stay little forever. I always want him to cuddle and I always want him to call me mommy. I'm not ready to let go of his hand. I'm not ready for him to leave my side. I'm not ready for him to walk away and spread his wings and fly. I know this is life and I know this is the next stage but I'm not ready for these changes. I'm not ready to let me baby go.
I still can't believe he starts kindergarten this week. And I can't believe they are going to open those doors and let all those little kindergartners out onto the play ground to roam wild and free. I don't let me kids play in the backyard without me there with them so knowing he's going to be out on the playground freaks me out! What happens if someone steals him?! What happens if he wanders away? I know it's all part of him growing up but is he ready?
This week will be tough. Probably harder on me than him. I'm going to miss him. I already miss him but I know this is the next stage in his life. He is my first born. He holds a special place in my heart and he always will. I know he's excited and I know he's ready. Now I just need to learn to let go.
