And what's a tea party without a bunch of beautiful mismatched vintage tea cups. I never appreciated my moms tea cup collection until now! I love them!
And then she got spoiled:-)
I love my mom:-)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A Tea Party Fit for a Princess
London went to her first tea party (the first of many) on January 8, 2012. My mom had a little shower for her and did a tea party theme.
This was also London's first time wearing a dress:-) We found one small enough to fit her from H&M.
I love my mom:-)
I love my mom:-)
Friday, January 27, 2012
Knowing vs Not Knowing
I am not a huge fan of surprises. And with my pregnancy with the boys we chose to find out. With Lincoln we found out and told everyone. With Nathan we found out but didn't tell...in fact very few people knew that we had found out! I like the way we did it with Nathan-I went to my doctor's before Christmas, had him write it down and on Christmas day I surprised Kevin and had it wrapped up. It was the last present we opened on Christmas morning and we found out together. He had no idea I had gone to the doctor's to find out. It was such a special moment for us! We decided to keep it from our family's because if we slipped up no one would know. Plus I wanted to be able to surprise our family (I love surprising others:-)
With London I didn't want to know. I knew this would probably be my last baby and I knew I was going to have a c-section (or so I thought) and I wanted something to look forward to going into the OR. It was tempting to find out especially when I had my first ultrasound and there we both were sitting there knowing we could find out. I am so glad we didn't. Especially after everything I went through with this pregnancy. When I found out there could be something wrong with her heart I was devastated. And you don't realize how hard it is to deal with once you are in that situation. I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained and exhausted. And the last thing on my mind was the baby's gender. I had about 10 ultrasounds and it was hard not finding out. And with every ultrasound I had, I had to remind them over and over again, "we don't know what we are having so please don't tell/show us."
Since I don't like surprises I thought it was kinda strange for me to have no desire to know what I was having. I mean I had my moments where I was curious but I didn't have those deep down I gotta know what I'm having desires like I did with Lincoln and Nate. I think a lot of it had to do with her heart. I think emotionally I just didn't want to know. It was hard enough knowing my little baby could have something wrong with "it's" heart and I think knowing what I was having would have made it harder. For me knowing kinda bonded the baby and I more and I think with this situation I was scared to know because I was terrified of that bond and then knowing that something could happen to that baby. It's not that I didn't feel bonded to the baby but knowing just makes things seem more real. Knowing gave me a glimpse into what our future would look like (if we had a boy or if we had a girl) and I just didn't want to envision our future with our little boy or our little girl knowing that the future of this baby could be questionable. It's kinda hard to explain but I just felt that I coped better referring to the baby as "baby" or "it" rather than "he" or "she." I'd say I distance myself from knowing...it helped me cope with what was going on and with what could happen. And at the end of the day all I wanted was a healthy baby...boy or girl.
I had a few moments where I thought the doctor/nurses had let the "cat out of the bag." I had a doctor's appointment towards the end of my pregnancy and the doctor said, "so you're having a girl this time right?"
My response, "um no, I don't know what I'm having."
Her response, "Either do I, I just thought you knew, but my guess is a girl."
That day I went home and thought, "OK I'm having a girl," but then after that I had two experiences at the hospital where the nurses kept referring to the baby as a "he."
"He's so active"
"Oh HE's stubborn"
"Oh he, he, he..."
And both times I thought, "Come on ladies I told you I didn't know what I was having!"
After my second hospital experience I was for sure convinced I was having another boy...how could I not...on two separate occasions the nurses referred to my baby as a boy...and they both told me they had read my file. Little did I know...
And I have to tell ya...even though I hate surprises...this truly was the greatest and best surprise.
It really did create for a different more magical birthing experience. It's a different feeling. And I think one of the reasons why it was so amazing was because I thought I was having a boy. Not that having a boy would have been a bad thing or not as good of a surprise but it's just a different feeling when you think your having a boy and out pops a little girl. I was so use to seeing little boy parts and this time around seeing something totally different made for a great experience. And with her being my last baby it was such an amazing and great way to end our baby making days. I'm still a huge fan of finding out...mainly because I'm super impatient and I love knowing! But not finding out...is...totally awesome! I can't believe I just wrote that!
So like I said I thought I was having a boy...why? Because I was use to boys but I did have 3 experiences which made me think otherwise.
The first was when my mom did the ring test over my belly. She said it would first tell me what I had then what I was having and then if there was going to be any more babies in the future. It started to swing back and forth-which apparently meant a boy (meaning Lincoln). Then it stopped and started swinging back and forth again-meaning Nathan. And then it stopped and started swinging in a circle-meaning I was carrying a girl. It was kinda creepy and I sat up and she never got to finish to see what our future children would be (FYI I do believe we are stopping at 3). I'm not a full on believer in old wives tales but they are fun to do!
The second moment came when I was home one day. All of a sudden I had this strong feeling I was having a girl. Like I just knew. It was a feeling that just came over me telling me I was having a girl. It was just this weird kinda calming feeling and I "just knew." I believed that feeling at first and then I brushed it off and told myself…nope you’re having a boy.
The third moment was the most strange. I was walking in the mall at Christmas time with the two boys. An elderly woman was walking in the opposite direction. As she passed by me she said, “You’re having a girl” and kept walking. It stopped me in my tracks and I turned around and said, “Sorry what was that.” She turned around with her husband and said, “You’re having a girl, and she’s going to be 6 pounds. And she’s healthy” And that was it. I teared up right there in the mall and all I could say was, “thank you.” The words that got to me were-”she’s going to be healthy” Those words dug deep into my soul. Especially since we had a scare with her heart. Funny thing is. I had a girl. She was 6 pounds. And she was healthy. How strange was that random encounter? I never told anybody about it until London was born. Was she an angel from above? I'm going to believe so!
And to all those random strangers who told me I was having a boy because "they could just tell by my belly"...you were wrong!
With London I didn't want to know. I knew this would probably be my last baby and I knew I was going to have a c-section (or so I thought) and I wanted something to look forward to going into the OR. It was tempting to find out especially when I had my first ultrasound and there we both were sitting there knowing we could find out. I am so glad we didn't. Especially after everything I went through with this pregnancy. When I found out there could be something wrong with her heart I was devastated. And you don't realize how hard it is to deal with once you are in that situation. I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained and exhausted. And the last thing on my mind was the baby's gender. I had about 10 ultrasounds and it was hard not finding out. And with every ultrasound I had, I had to remind them over and over again, "we don't know what we are having so please don't tell/show us."
Since I don't like surprises I thought it was kinda strange for me to have no desire to know what I was having. I mean I had my moments where I was curious but I didn't have those deep down I gotta know what I'm having desires like I did with Lincoln and Nate. I think a lot of it had to do with her heart. I think emotionally I just didn't want to know. It was hard enough knowing my little baby could have something wrong with "it's" heart and I think knowing what I was having would have made it harder. For me knowing kinda bonded the baby and I more and I think with this situation I was scared to know because I was terrified of that bond and then knowing that something could happen to that baby. It's not that I didn't feel bonded to the baby but knowing just makes things seem more real. Knowing gave me a glimpse into what our future would look like (if we had a boy or if we had a girl) and I just didn't want to envision our future with our little boy or our little girl knowing that the future of this baby could be questionable. It's kinda hard to explain but I just felt that I coped better referring to the baby as "baby" or "it" rather than "he" or "she." I'd say I distance myself from knowing...it helped me cope with what was going on and with what could happen. And at the end of the day all I wanted was a healthy baby...boy or girl.
I had a few moments where I thought the doctor/nurses had let the "cat out of the bag." I had a doctor's appointment towards the end of my pregnancy and the doctor said, "so you're having a girl this time right?"
My response, "um no, I don't know what I'm having."
Her response, "Either do I, I just thought you knew, but my guess is a girl."
That day I went home and thought, "OK I'm having a girl," but then after that I had two experiences at the hospital where the nurses kept referring to the baby as a "he."
"He's so active"
"Oh HE's stubborn"
"Oh he, he, he..."
And both times I thought, "Come on ladies I told you I didn't know what I was having!"
After my second hospital experience I was for sure convinced I was having another boy...how could I not...on two separate occasions the nurses referred to my baby as a boy...and they both told me they had read my file. Little did I know...
And I have to tell ya...even though I hate surprises...this truly was the greatest and best surprise.
 |
| Triple checking...yup she's a girl! |
It really did create for a different more magical birthing experience. It's a different feeling. And I think one of the reasons why it was so amazing was because I thought I was having a boy. Not that having a boy would have been a bad thing or not as good of a surprise but it's just a different feeling when you think your having a boy and out pops a little girl. I was so use to seeing little boy parts and this time around seeing something totally different made for a great experience. And with her being my last baby it was such an amazing and great way to end our baby making days. I'm still a huge fan of finding out...mainly because I'm super impatient and I love knowing! But not finding out...is...totally awesome! I can't believe I just wrote that!
So like I said I thought I was having a boy...why? Because I was use to boys but I did have 3 experiences which made me think otherwise.
The first was when my mom did the ring test over my belly. She said it would first tell me what I had then what I was having and then if there was going to be any more babies in the future. It started to swing back and forth-which apparently meant a boy (meaning Lincoln). Then it stopped and started swinging back and forth again-meaning Nathan. And then it stopped and started swinging in a circle-meaning I was carrying a girl. It was kinda creepy and I sat up and she never got to finish to see what our future children would be (FYI I do believe we are stopping at 3). I'm not a full on believer in old wives tales but they are fun to do!
The second moment came when I was home one day. All of a sudden I had this strong feeling I was having a girl. Like I just knew. It was a feeling that just came over me telling me I was having a girl. It was just this weird kinda calming feeling and I "just knew." I believed that feeling at first and then I brushed it off and told myself…nope you’re having a boy.
The third moment was the most strange. I was walking in the mall at Christmas time with the two boys. An elderly woman was walking in the opposite direction. As she passed by me she said, “You’re having a girl” and kept walking. It stopped me in my tracks and I turned around and said, “Sorry what was that.” She turned around with her husband and said, “You’re having a girl, and she’s going to be 6 pounds. And she’s healthy” And that was it. I teared up right there in the mall and all I could say was, “thank you.” The words that got to me were-”she’s going to be healthy” Those words dug deep into my soul. Especially since we had a scare with her heart. Funny thing is. I had a girl. She was 6 pounds. And she was healthy. How strange was that random encounter? I never told anybody about it until London was born. Was she an angel from above? I'm going to believe so!
And to all those random strangers who told me I was having a boy because "they could just tell by my belly"...you were wrong!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Quote
It's funny how words can touch your sould and speak to it! I would like to thank Kelle Hampton for this quote:
"I would take that little body and hold it closer, breathe her in, study her long fingers and smooth pink cheeks and let my soul do what it begged to do--to connect with its counterpart and fully accept her as the gift we needed. I would wrap my body around her, smell her, kiss her, draw her right into the place she needed to be and let her feel a purer love. I would trace her features with wonder rather than apprehension and know that her tired little frown would evolve...just like we would."
She couldn't have said it more perfect...
Time to go hug my babies:-)
"I would take that little body and hold it closer, breathe her in, study her long fingers and smooth pink cheeks and let my soul do what it begged to do--to connect with its counterpart and fully accept her as the gift we needed. I would wrap my body around her, smell her, kiss her, draw her right into the place she needed to be and let her feel a purer love. I would trace her features with wonder rather than apprehension and know that her tired little frown would evolve...just like we would."
She couldn't have said it more perfect...
Time to go hug my babies:-)
Saturday, January 21, 2012
1 month
She's a month old. 1 month. I can't believe a month ago her warm little body was placed on mine. And even though I 've been through this before it still blows my mind how fast the first few months fly by.
I am not taking anything for granted. Every moment is a good moment.
I love her. I love her so very much! She is sweet and precious and I just can't get enough of her. I thought night time wakenings would be hard and sometimes it takes me a minute or two or three to get out of bed. But I cherish our nights together. Rocking her gently and breastfeeding her in the dim light of her room. It's like heaven on earth. I will treasure those moments. Those nights won't last forever.
I don't even know how to sum up the last month. Life is good. Life is real good (and sometimes mixed in with a bit of craziness)!
She makes my heart whole. She completes our family. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank the Lord for my 3 precious baby's. I am blessed.
London words truly cannot express how much you are loved. Never forget that sweet little girl.
And on her one month birthday London finally got to meet her papa! He is smitten! I have a feeling these two are going to have a very specia bond. As hard as it was knowing my dad wasn't going to be there for her birth I do have to say it was worth the wait...today felt like Christmas.
A little girl and her papa...
I am not taking anything for granted. Every moment is a good moment.
I love her. I love her so very much! She is sweet and precious and I just can't get enough of her. I thought night time wakenings would be hard and sometimes it takes me a minute or two or three to get out of bed. But I cherish our nights together. Rocking her gently and breastfeeding her in the dim light of her room. It's like heaven on earth. I will treasure those moments. Those nights won't last forever.
I don't even know how to sum up the last month. Life is good. Life is real good (and sometimes mixed in with a bit of craziness)!
She makes my heart whole. She completes our family. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank the Lord for my 3 precious baby's. I am blessed.
 |
| 1 month old and 8 pounds |
London words truly cannot express how much you are loved. Never forget that sweet little girl.
And on her one month birthday London finally got to meet her papa! He is smitten! I have a feeling these two are going to have a very specia bond. As hard as it was knowing my dad wasn't going to be there for her birth I do have to say it was worth the wait...today felt like Christmas.
A little girl and her papa...
Monday, January 16, 2012
The Birth Story of London Mackena Lee
So here it is...London's birth story! I'm already getting emotional just thinking about! It truly was a beautiful birth (I think all my births were beautiful) but this one was different and I think it has alot to do with the fact that we didn't know what we were having (really we didn't know what we were having)! It really did make for a magical experience. I never want to forget the day she was born and the moment her warm sweet tiny little body was pulled out of mine and placed on my chest. I think I could replay her birth in my mind over and over and over again...
Here it goes...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday December 19 with Dr. Driedger. I asked to have my membranes swept as I was 37 weeks pregnant. Normally they don't do it until 38 weeks but Dr. Driedger agreed to do it. He also brought in the ultrasound machine to measure the baby and the boys were able to see their little sibling. I refused to look because I didn't want to see any "parts." Dr. Driedger took some measurements of the baby and said "it" was still measuring small and by small I mean normal. I had an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday Dec. 21 to have the baby measured and since Dr. Driedger said "it" was still measuring normal I decided to cancel my appointment.
One of my reasoning's for scheduling an ultrasound to measure the baby was to see if a vbac was possible if I went into labor before my scheduled c-section date. Both my boys measured larger and with Nate being 9lbs 4 oz I really didn't want to attempt to push out another 9 pound baby just to end up having another c-section. I'll explain more later on how I went from "I'm don't even want to attempt a vbac" to "OK maybe I will attempt a vbac"
Early the next morning at around 2 am I woke up from a contraction. They were quite regular and I started timing them. At 4:30 am I woke Kev up and told him "it was time!" I then phoned my mom in Maui and broke the news to her. I had come to terms with the fact that I could deliver without her here but once I heard her crying voice over the phone it broke my heart. I so desperately wanted my mom to be here for the delivery. We made some phone calls and headed to the hospital.
I was told by the world's most negative nurse that I was way too happy to be in labor. Of course I was happy! I thought I was having a baby! I was checked and sent home. False alarm. I was bummed...disappointed and a tad bit tired!
That night I fell asleep on the couch. When Kev got home I didn't want to be moved! I was exhausted. So exhausted that the thought of having to move my big body off the couch was too much for me to handle. I slept on the couch that night.
The next morning I felt something but not enough to fully wake me up. Then I felt it again at 5:45 am. And my first thought, "did I just pee myself?" I got up to check and that's when I felt a little trickle down my leg. I will admit I had to google "water breaking" because I didn't know what the heck was going on and I didn't want to disrupt every ones life again for another false alarm. Half an hour later my suspicions were confirmed (thank you google)...yes in deed my water broke. It really is crazy when your water breaks!! I phoned my mom, phoned the hospital and made some other calls! It was d-day, my bags were packed and I was ready!
I wasn't contracting which was nice. And I showered and finished packing my bag. I did my hair and make-up-that was important and I gave myself a pep-talk...I was super woman...I could do this...and no matter how this baby came out of me today was the day I was going to meet my baby. Kev and the boys dropped me off at the hospital (he had to wait for his mom to come) and I kissed my boys one last time before they became big brothers. And with each kiss my eyes started to whell up with tears. They were going to be big brothers. No longer was little Nate going to be the baby. Very bittersweet. I assumed that since I wasn't contracting I wouldn't be able to attempt a vbac and that I'd have a c-section later on today or tomorrow. I was more than OK with that. I just wanted to meet my baby.
I headed to triage and got assessed by the doctor. Yes my water broke. Doctor Tuffnell then came in to discuss my options with me. I was surprised I had options seeing as I had had a previous c-section. But I had a choice: C-section or VBAC. I opted for a vbac (craziness!) and was told I’d be given oxytocin to kick start my contractions.
They were so busy that day and I was able to get the last hospital room. They didn’t have a nurse for me yet so I sat in the rocking chair listening to my ipod. It was happening. Today was the day. There was no turning back. I tried to take it all in. My mind started to race. I started to get nervous and scared and excited. I was nervous and scared about the vbacvbac!) and the oxytocin. I got worried that maybe I was making the wrong decision. What happens if my uterus ruptures and I lose my baby and my life? I was scared to labour but yet I was scared about a c-section. I didn't know what to do. I cried. I missed my mom. It was a surreal moment waiting for Kev to arrive and the nurse to start my oxytocin but I think I needed that time by myself to just think and let things slowly absorb. I looked at the warming bed where my baby was hopefully going to be placed. I cried just looking at that. I think I started to become an emotional wreck. It was just so much to take in.
They started the oxytocin at around noon. Kev and I walked the halls and talked about all the food I was going to feast on after this baby was born. Because I was at a high risk of having another c-section I wasn't able to eat or drink. It was brutal. I love food. And I didn't think I was going to eat all day because it was noon and I knew there was no way I was going to have this baby before dinner.
The contractions weren't strong at first. I barely felt them. Every half hour they kept turning the oxytocin up. I remember I was sitting in the rocking chair when the real contractions started. I remember getting my first "real contraction" and looking at my phone. It was 1:30. It had started. And it sucked. The contractions were painful. Real painful. I moved to the bed because the heart monitor was having a hard time picking up the baby's heart beat. Because I was vbac-ing they had to monitor the baby's heart at all times. By 2 I wanted an epidural. I had had enough. And the sight of Kevin sitting in the chair on his computer (he was working) annoyed me to pieces. I was lying there in pain birthing a child and he was sitting pain free in a chair working. I remember calling him over so I could squeeze his hand. I begged for an epidural and I remember saying "I know this probably sounds whimping but this hurt so bad." The nurse suggested laughing gas. I was hesitant at first but what the hell...I needed something. Now let me tell you something about laughing gas...it's great! Actuallly it's better than great. And the best part...it's legal:-) I remembered being handed the laughing gas mouth piece. I wanted to huff on it but I didn't want to feel "high" so I let a contraction pass before I finally give in. And it hit me. I was...high...as a kite. I kept repeating "this can't be legal," "the cops are coming to get me," "I'm having a one person house party," "I'm a rock star." I was high. But it was legal...so it was ok:-)
The only down side to laughing gas...you still feel the pain of the contractions. And I still wanted an epidural. Maybe an epidural/laughing gas combo...now that would have been perfect. The nurse then suggested fentanyl Sure I took it. But I still wanted an epidural. I was in pain. Lot's and lot's of pain. It sucked. My room didn't have a bath tub and I was quite pissed...I wanted to labor in a tub and not a shower...mainly because I didn't want to get my hair wet:-) I remember in my "high" state agreeing to get in the tub in the emergency delivery room. I remember the nurse helping me get my bathing suit top on and I remember not wanting to open my eyes because I was high and it just felt better to keep them closed. And I remember wondering why the nurse was helping me get my bathing suit top on and not Kevin. And then I remember clinging to the side of the bed screaming at the top of my lungs that I needed to push. I was told not to and finally checked...6-7 cm. Awesomeness! I had only being laboring for an hour. I kept talking about the bath tub but I also kept contracting like crazy. A few minutes later I felt the need to push again. This time the doctor was called in to check me. I was now 8 cm. I still wanted my epidural and she told me no. The anesthesiologist was going into surgery with her and would be there for an hour. I was pissed and in pain...not a good combo. She left the room and I then felt the urge to push again. She was called back in and I was fully dilated. The doctor put off going to into surgery because now it was my time to shine. It was 3:15 pm. This was it. It was time to push. I was finally going to meet my baby.
This is the part that gets me every time I think about her birth. It was real. I was off the gas and no longer high and at a one person house party. I was now a rock star. I remember thinking that over and over in my head..."you are a rock star, you are a rock star, you can do this." I pushed, and pushed and pushed and pushed with everything I had. It was painful and it hurt and I wanted that baby out. I begged them to just pull that baby out. I kept my eyes closed pushing. I don't know why but I did it with Lincoln too. And when I finally opened them that's when things became real. There really were people in my room. Dr. Heath, 2 amazing nurses and my husband. They were all cheering for me. I looked at each and every one of them. They were real. I was real. This whole situation was real. This was really happening. And I watched the clock. Time was real. I watched the minutes and the seconds pass by. That moment was real.
Dr. Heath ended up leaving to go into surgery and she told the nurses to deliver the baby. A midwife by the name of Sharon came in to assist. I knew her. And she was great. And spoke softly and was so encouraging.
And this is when things became magical. I pushed. I heard their praise. And I remember the feeling in between contractions. The feeling that of greatness and then that feeling of pain starting up again. I remember pushing became more "fun" as I got closer. It's hard to explain but it was almost like I got my second wind and I knew I had to do this. I knew I was close to the finish line. I remember Kevin's voice, "Tab you gotta push harder, your not pushing hard enough" I knew he was right so I pushed harder. I remember the nurses telling him how great of a coach he was and how I only listened to him and not them. They were right. When Kev spoke to me I listened. I listened to every word he said. He'd tell me to push harder so I did. He told me to give it me all and I did. I remember praying. I'm not quite sure if I prayed out loud or in my head but I prayed. And I remember thinking "keep pushing you are about to meet your daughter" and then I'd tell myself "your not having a girl, you're having a boy." I don't know why I kept thinking I was going to meet my daughter. Maybe subconsciously I knew. Maybe I just knew all along. I remember them talking about seeing the baby's hair. And me asking if they could see the baby's head. I remember being told I could reach down and touch the baby's head. I knew that sounds weird. But it was amazing. I could feel her. And I could feel with each push her little head being pushed further out of my body. It motivated me. Being able to feel my progress. Somewhere in between all this I told kevin to phone our friend Angela-she was going to come photograph the birth. And since things had progressed so quickly I didn't think she'd make it.
I remember towards the end getting giddy with excitement. And feeling happy with each contraction and yelling "I get to meet my baby soon" and the nurses saying "yes you do!" And I remember feeling warm and fuzzy just knowing soon, very soon, I'd be holding that baby. I remember the midwife saying she thought I 'd deliver by 4 pm and I remember Dr. Heath coming back into the room after surgery at 3:50 p.m. I had to do this. I had to push my baby out. I wanted to meet "it" I wanted to finally know what this little one was. I wanted "that" moment. That moment when you finally get to look your baby in the eyes for the first time and feel their warm little body against your own...
...and at 3:58 on December 21, 201 I (yes I) lifted the most beautiful baby covered in vernix out of my body...
...and I announced... “it’s a girl” and I layed her warm sweet body onto my chest. I was in disbelief. And every time I look at the above picture I tear up. How amazing is it seeing your baby for the first time...it's the most magical and glorious moment.
I had a daughter. I had a daughter. I had a daughter. I’ll never forget that moment. It will forever be etched into my mind. Her tiny pink vernix covered body held in the air and seeing a little lady part instead of little boy parts. It's a whole new birthing experience when you don't know what you are having...especially when you think your having the opposite:-)
I had to check again and again. Maybe I missed something...was the umbilical cord in the way of some other "parts". And then I had the nurses and doctor check. It was surreal. She was indeed a girl. And at that moment my life became complete. With my boys the world seemed to stop but this time...this time my world became complete. I was content.
I cried but no tears came out.
She was beautiful. I kept saying “I can’t believe I had a girl, I can’t believe I had a girl!!!" And I remember thanking God for this precious little gift!
There are no words to describe the moment your child comes into this world. None. It really is the most indescribable moment. It’s a moment I never want to forget. I really can't describe the hours after that. There really aren't words powerful enough. All I have are my emotions bottled up in my heart forever. I wish I could share those emotions and those moments but I think it's a time only another mother would understand. They are moments filled with the most powerful emotions I have ever felt and a heart bursting with love over and over and over again. There will always be a piece of me that wishes I could travel back in time and re-live the moments my babies were born and to experience those emotions again.
I remember Kevin leaning over me asking what we should name her. I wanted to cry...we didn't have a name we both could agree on. I told him we'd talk about it later. And then I remember him saying the sweetest words to me...the words every mother wants to here after they've just given birth, "You get to name her..." I cried. He then asked what my favorite name was..."London" that was my favorite name. The nurses loved it but I knew Kev didn't like the name...but again he surprised me and said, "it's growing on me...we can name her London" I cried some more. And that is how she become London Mackena Lee Edwards (Mackena is a place in Maui and Lee is in mine, my moms and sisters middle name).
And then the proud daddy cut the cord...
The above picture says it all...he was proud. This man amazes me. He is a source of strength for me. And he's always there. Without him I wouldn't have three beautiful children. I know people say they married their best friend...and I know that to be true...because I did marry my best friend.
At 4:15 pm I made the first call...to my parents in Maui. I knew my mom would be leaving soon for her flight and I thought for sure we'd miss them. The good Lord knew:-) Both my parents were in the car ready to go to the airport when my dad ran back inside the house...it was then I called. There's something special about telling your family the news especially since we didn't know what we were having. And I couldn't wait to tell my mom. It was an unforgettable and emotional moment I'll never forget...telling her I had a little girl...we both cried and I told her she was beautiful.
That phone call bonded my mother and I closer. I always wanted to have that mother/daughter bond with my own child. I now had a daughter of my very own. On that day a new bond was formed...one that will last a life time.
I loved how they left her with me...
...so i could marvel in her beauty and take it all in...it was perfect...she was perfect! I fell in love all over again...my heart was bursting and over flowing with unconditional love!
It was about 4:45 pm before they took her from me to be assessed and weighed.
She was our tiniest peanut weighing in at 6 pounds 7 oz. I was shocked at her small size.
I finally gave her up and let her melt Kevin's heart. I always knew pink would look good on my husband and watching him hold our daughter made me fall madly in love with him all over again. I one day knew Kevin would have a daughter...I remember seeing him holding Avery (our friends daughter) the day she was born and I have a picture and that picture gets me every time...seeing my husband holding a pink bundle...there really isn't anything sweeter. And I know this bond that has started between the two of them is everlasting...a bond between a daughter and her father...it makes me emotional just thinking about.
Shortly after that Kevin went to get the boys. That's one moment I was waiting for. That moment when when our boys finally got to meet their new sister...and it was everything I hoped and dreamt it would be. And we got to have that moment...just the 5 of us...just how I pictured it...just how I wanted it. I can't stress it enough how important that time was to me. No visitors...just me and my family.
And my boys loved her. Especially Nathan. And Lincoln you were right...there was a girl baby in mommy's tummy:-)
The night was followed by family and visitors (including the guys from Hall 7)...it just wouldn't be a Wednesday night without them.
And later in the evening I sent Kev home to stay with the boys. I know it sounds kinda selfish but I wanted her all to myself. I wanted an evening to just fall in love with her and to bond and to hold her warm little body close to mine...skin to skin. And we did. I cried and I prayed and I thanked the Lord over and over for blessing us. I needed my time alone with her to take in the moment and to re-live all that I had gone through this whole pregnancy just to end up holding the most beautiful, healthy little girl. I needed a night to give thanks.
My mom finally showed up at around 4:30 am. She got to meet my daughter. London and I stayed up all night waiting for her...it was worth the wait...that's all I can say!
I didn't let go of her all night long...I couldn't. And her little bassinet sat in the corner of the room...untouched. I held her all night long. I was in love. I even declined when the nurse asked to bathe her. She was too new. I didn't want that brand new smell to go away quite yet. I wanted her to stay fresh and new forever.
I am now complete. I feel whole. And I am content. And at this point in my life I don't think there is a better way of leaving the child birthing stage of my life than with London's birth. Her birth was perfect and beautiful in every way imaginable and I feel like I'm leaving that stage of my life on a good note. All my dreams have come true and I look forward to the many memories my family and I will make together.
And before I end this post I need to thank a special someone-Angela Baron-I can't thank you enough! I am so honoured you were there to capture the birth of our beautiful daughter. You captured the moment and our emotions perfectly! Thank you for giving me the gift of memories (and for making it minutes before she was born)!!!
Here it goes...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday December 19 with Dr. Driedger. I asked to have my membranes swept as I was 37 weeks pregnant. Normally they don't do it until 38 weeks but Dr. Driedger agreed to do it. He also brought in the ultrasound machine to measure the baby and the boys were able to see their little sibling. I refused to look because I didn't want to see any "parts." Dr. Driedger took some measurements of the baby and said "it" was still measuring small and by small I mean normal. I had an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday Dec. 21 to have the baby measured and since Dr. Driedger said "it" was still measuring normal I decided to cancel my appointment.
One of my reasoning's for scheduling an ultrasound to measure the baby was to see if a vbac was possible if I went into labor before my scheduled c-section date. Both my boys measured larger and with Nate being 9lbs 4 oz I really didn't want to attempt to push out another 9 pound baby just to end up having another c-section. I'll explain more later on how I went from "I'm don't even want to attempt a vbac" to "OK maybe I will attempt a vbac"
Early the next morning at around 2 am I woke up from a contraction. They were quite regular and I started timing them. At 4:30 am I woke Kev up and told him "it was time!" I then phoned my mom in Maui and broke the news to her. I had come to terms with the fact that I could deliver without her here but once I heard her crying voice over the phone it broke my heart. I so desperately wanted my mom to be here for the delivery. We made some phone calls and headed to the hospital.
I was told by the world's most negative nurse that I was way too happy to be in labor. Of course I was happy! I thought I was having a baby! I was checked and sent home. False alarm. I was bummed...disappointed and a tad bit tired!
That night I fell asleep on the couch. When Kev got home I didn't want to be moved! I was exhausted. So exhausted that the thought of having to move my big body off the couch was too much for me to handle. I slept on the couch that night.
The next morning I felt something but not enough to fully wake me up. Then I felt it again at 5:45 am. And my first thought, "did I just pee myself?" I got up to check and that's when I felt a little trickle down my leg. I will admit I had to google "water breaking" because I didn't know what the heck was going on and I didn't want to disrupt every ones life again for another false alarm. Half an hour later my suspicions were confirmed (thank you google)...yes in deed my water broke. It really is crazy when your water breaks!! I phoned my mom, phoned the hospital and made some other calls! It was d-day, my bags were packed and I was ready!
I wasn't contracting which was nice. And I showered and finished packing my bag. I did my hair and make-up-that was important and I gave myself a pep-talk...I was super woman...I could do this...and no matter how this baby came out of me today was the day I was going to meet my baby. Kev and the boys dropped me off at the hospital (he had to wait for his mom to come) and I kissed my boys one last time before they became big brothers. And with each kiss my eyes started to whell up with tears. They were going to be big brothers. No longer was little Nate going to be the baby. Very bittersweet. I assumed that since I wasn't contracting I wouldn't be able to attempt a vbac and that I'd have a c-section later on today or tomorrow. I was more than OK with that. I just wanted to meet my baby.
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| Last picture with my 2 boys before they become big brothers! |
I headed to triage and got assessed by the doctor. Yes my water broke. Doctor Tuffnell then came in to discuss my options with me. I was surprised I had options seeing as I had had a previous c-section. But I had a choice: C-section or VBAC. I opted for a vbac (craziness!) and was told I’d be given oxytocin to kick start my contractions.
They were so busy that day and I was able to get the last hospital room. They didn’t have a nurse for me yet so I sat in the rocking chair listening to my ipod. It was happening. Today was the day. There was no turning back. I tried to take it all in. My mind started to race. I started to get nervous and scared and excited. I was nervous and scared about the vbacvbac!) and the oxytocin. I got worried that maybe I was making the wrong decision. What happens if my uterus ruptures and I lose my baby and my life? I was scared to labour but yet I was scared about a c-section. I didn't know what to do. I cried. I missed my mom. It was a surreal moment waiting for Kev to arrive and the nurse to start my oxytocin but I think I needed that time by myself to just think and let things slowly absorb. I looked at the warming bed where my baby was hopefully going to be placed. I cried just looking at that. I think I started to become an emotional wreck. It was just so much to take in.
They started the oxytocin at around noon. Kev and I walked the halls and talked about all the food I was going to feast on after this baby was born. Because I was at a high risk of having another c-section I wasn't able to eat or drink. It was brutal. I love food. And I didn't think I was going to eat all day because it was noon and I knew there was no way I was going to have this baby before dinner.
The contractions weren't strong at first. I barely felt them. Every half hour they kept turning the oxytocin up. I remember I was sitting in the rocking chair when the real contractions started. I remember getting my first "real contraction" and looking at my phone. It was 1:30. It had started. And it sucked. The contractions were painful. Real painful. I moved to the bed because the heart monitor was having a hard time picking up the baby's heart beat. Because I was vbac-ing they had to monitor the baby's heart at all times. By 2 I wanted an epidural. I had had enough. And the sight of Kevin sitting in the chair on his computer (he was working) annoyed me to pieces. I was lying there in pain birthing a child and he was sitting pain free in a chair working. I remember calling him over so I could squeeze his hand. I begged for an epidural and I remember saying "I know this probably sounds whimping but this hurt so bad." The nurse suggested laughing gas. I was hesitant at first but what the hell...I needed something. Now let me tell you something about laughing gas...it's great! Actuallly it's better than great. And the best part...it's legal:-) I remembered being handed the laughing gas mouth piece. I wanted to huff on it but I didn't want to feel "high" so I let a contraction pass before I finally give in. And it hit me. I was...high...as a kite. I kept repeating "this can't be legal," "the cops are coming to get me," "I'm having a one person house party," "I'm a rock star." I was high. But it was legal...so it was ok:-)
The only down side to laughing gas...you still feel the pain of the contractions. And I still wanted an epidural. Maybe an epidural/laughing gas combo...now that would have been perfect. The nurse then suggested fentanyl Sure I took it. But I still wanted an epidural. I was in pain. Lot's and lot's of pain. It sucked. My room didn't have a bath tub and I was quite pissed...I wanted to labor in a tub and not a shower...mainly because I didn't want to get my hair wet:-) I remember in my "high" state agreeing to get in the tub in the emergency delivery room. I remember the nurse helping me get my bathing suit top on and I remember not wanting to open my eyes because I was high and it just felt better to keep them closed. And I remember wondering why the nurse was helping me get my bathing suit top on and not Kevin. And then I remember clinging to the side of the bed screaming at the top of my lungs that I needed to push. I was told not to and finally checked...6-7 cm. Awesomeness! I had only being laboring for an hour. I kept talking about the bath tub but I also kept contracting like crazy. A few minutes later I felt the need to push again. This time the doctor was called in to check me. I was now 8 cm. I still wanted my epidural and she told me no. The anesthesiologist was going into surgery with her and would be there for an hour. I was pissed and in pain...not a good combo. She left the room and I then felt the urge to push again. She was called back in and I was fully dilated. The doctor put off going to into surgery because now it was my time to shine. It was 3:15 pm. This was it. It was time to push. I was finally going to meet my baby.
This is the part that gets me every time I think about her birth. It was real. I was off the gas and no longer high and at a one person house party. I was now a rock star. I remember thinking that over and over in my head..."you are a rock star, you are a rock star, you can do this." I pushed, and pushed and pushed and pushed with everything I had. It was painful and it hurt and I wanted that baby out. I begged them to just pull that baby out. I kept my eyes closed pushing. I don't know why but I did it with Lincoln too. And when I finally opened them that's when things became real. There really were people in my room. Dr. Heath, 2 amazing nurses and my husband. They were all cheering for me. I looked at each and every one of them. They were real. I was real. This whole situation was real. This was really happening. And I watched the clock. Time was real. I watched the minutes and the seconds pass by. That moment was real.
Dr. Heath ended up leaving to go into surgery and she told the nurses to deliver the baby. A midwife by the name of Sharon came in to assist. I knew her. And she was great. And spoke softly and was so encouraging.
And this is when things became magical. I pushed. I heard their praise. And I remember the feeling in between contractions. The feeling that of greatness and then that feeling of pain starting up again. I remember pushing became more "fun" as I got closer. It's hard to explain but it was almost like I got my second wind and I knew I had to do this. I knew I was close to the finish line. I remember Kevin's voice, "Tab you gotta push harder, your not pushing hard enough" I knew he was right so I pushed harder. I remember the nurses telling him how great of a coach he was and how I only listened to him and not them. They were right. When Kev spoke to me I listened. I listened to every word he said. He'd tell me to push harder so I did. He told me to give it me all and I did. I remember praying. I'm not quite sure if I prayed out loud or in my head but I prayed. And I remember thinking "keep pushing you are about to meet your daughter" and then I'd tell myself "your not having a girl, you're having a boy." I don't know why I kept thinking I was going to meet my daughter. Maybe subconsciously I knew. Maybe I just knew all along. I remember them talking about seeing the baby's hair. And me asking if they could see the baby's head. I remember being told I could reach down and touch the baby's head. I knew that sounds weird. But it was amazing. I could feel her. And I could feel with each push her little head being pushed further out of my body. It motivated me. Being able to feel my progress. Somewhere in between all this I told kevin to phone our friend Angela-she was going to come photograph the birth. And since things had progressed so quickly I didn't think she'd make it.
I remember towards the end getting giddy with excitement. And feeling happy with each contraction and yelling "I get to meet my baby soon" and the nurses saying "yes you do!" And I remember feeling warm and fuzzy just knowing soon, very soon, I'd be holding that baby. I remember the midwife saying she thought I 'd deliver by 4 pm and I remember Dr. Heath coming back into the room after surgery at 3:50 p.m. I had to do this. I had to push my baby out. I wanted to meet "it" I wanted to finally know what this little one was. I wanted "that" moment. That moment when you finally get to look your baby in the eyes for the first time and feel their warm little body against your own...
...and at 3:58 on December 21, 201 I (yes I) lifted the most beautiful baby covered in vernix out of my body...
...and I announced... “it’s a girl” and I layed her warm sweet body onto my chest. I was in disbelief. And every time I look at the above picture I tear up. How amazing is it seeing your baby for the first time...it's the most magical and glorious moment.
I had a daughter. I had a daughter. I had a daughter. I’ll never forget that moment. It will forever be etched into my mind. Her tiny pink vernix covered body held in the air and seeing a little lady part instead of little boy parts. It's a whole new birthing experience when you don't know what you are having...especially when you think your having the opposite:-)
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| Yes...in this picture I am checking out her "girly parts" again to make sure she was really a girl:-) |
I had to check again and again. Maybe I missed something...was the umbilical cord in the way of some other "parts". And then I had the nurses and doctor check. It was surreal. She was indeed a girl. And at that moment my life became complete. With my boys the world seemed to stop but this time...this time my world became complete. I was content.
I cried but no tears came out.
She was beautiful. I kept saying “I can’t believe I had a girl, I can’t believe I had a girl!!!" And I remember thanking God for this precious little gift!
There are no words to describe the moment your child comes into this world. None. It really is the most indescribable moment. It’s a moment I never want to forget. I really can't describe the hours after that. There really aren't words powerful enough. All I have are my emotions bottled up in my heart forever. I wish I could share those emotions and those moments but I think it's a time only another mother would understand. They are moments filled with the most powerful emotions I have ever felt and a heart bursting with love over and over and over again. There will always be a piece of me that wishes I could travel back in time and re-live the moments my babies were born and to experience those emotions again.
And then the proud daddy cut the cord...
The above picture says it all...he was proud. This man amazes me. He is a source of strength for me. And he's always there. Without him I wouldn't have three beautiful children. I know people say they married their best friend...and I know that to be true...because I did marry my best friend.
At 4:15 pm I made the first call...to my parents in Maui. I knew my mom would be leaving soon for her flight and I thought for sure we'd miss them. The good Lord knew:-) Both my parents were in the car ready to go to the airport when my dad ran back inside the house...it was then I called. There's something special about telling your family the news especially since we didn't know what we were having. And I couldn't wait to tell my mom. It was an unforgettable and emotional moment I'll never forget...telling her I had a little girl...we both cried and I told her she was beautiful.
That phone call bonded my mother and I closer. I always wanted to have that mother/daughter bond with my own child. I now had a daughter of my very own. On that day a new bond was formed...one that will last a life time.
I loved how they left her with me...
...so i could marvel in her beauty and take it all in...it was perfect...she was perfect! I fell in love all over again...my heart was bursting and over flowing with unconditional love!
It was about 4:45 pm before they took her from me to be assessed and weighed.
She was our tiniest peanut weighing in at 6 pounds 7 oz. I was shocked at her small size.
I finally gave her up and let her melt Kevin's heart. I always knew pink would look good on my husband and watching him hold our daughter made me fall madly in love with him all over again. I one day knew Kevin would have a daughter...I remember seeing him holding Avery (our friends daughter) the day she was born and I have a picture and that picture gets me every time...seeing my husband holding a pink bundle...there really isn't anything sweeter. And I know this bond that has started between the two of them is everlasting...a bond between a daughter and her father...it makes me emotional just thinking about.
Shortly after that Kevin went to get the boys. That's one moment I was waiting for. That moment when when our boys finally got to meet their new sister...and it was everything I hoped and dreamt it would be. And we got to have that moment...just the 5 of us...just how I pictured it...just how I wanted it. I can't stress it enough how important that time was to me. No visitors...just me and my family.
The night was followed by family and visitors (including the guys from Hall 7)...it just wouldn't be a Wednesday night without them.
And later in the evening I sent Kev home to stay with the boys. I know it sounds kinda selfish but I wanted her all to myself. I wanted an evening to just fall in love with her and to bond and to hold her warm little body close to mine...skin to skin. And we did. I cried and I prayed and I thanked the Lord over and over for blessing us. I needed my time alone with her to take in the moment and to re-live all that I had gone through this whole pregnancy just to end up holding the most beautiful, healthy little girl. I needed a night to give thanks.
My mom finally showed up at around 4:30 am. She got to meet my daughter. London and I stayed up all night waiting for her...it was worth the wait...that's all I can say!
I didn't let go of her all night long...I couldn't. And her little bassinet sat in the corner of the room...untouched. I held her all night long. I was in love. I even declined when the nurse asked to bathe her. She was too new. I didn't want that brand new smell to go away quite yet. I wanted her to stay fresh and new forever.
I am now complete. I feel whole. And I am content. And at this point in my life I don't think there is a better way of leaving the child birthing stage of my life than with London's birth. Her birth was perfect and beautiful in every way imaginable and I feel like I'm leaving that stage of my life on a good note. All my dreams have come true and I look forward to the many memories my family and I will make together.
And before I end this post I need to thank a special someone-Angela Baron-I can't thank you enough! I am so honoured you were there to capture the birth of our beautiful daughter. You captured the moment and our emotions perfectly! Thank you for giving me the gift of memories (and for making it minutes before she was born)!!!
So now for the not so pretty part...
Like I said before her birth was perfect and the recovery (compared to a c-section) was amazing! Almost too amazing. I felt awesome. We left the hospital the next day at 4 pm. We went and picked Nate up from my moms (Lincoln was going to spend the night) and we headed home. Early the next morning I was feeding London and started bleeding heavily (it was bad) and I knew it was bad. I panicked. Blood was every where and I told Kev to phone 911. I for sure thought I was dying...I mean why wouldn't I be? I just had a beautiful baby, my life was complete so death just seemed, at that time, like the the next step. I was taken by ambulance back to the hospital in nothing but my underwear and tank top. I was not dying. Thank you God. I ended up going in for a D and C. When I delivered the placenta it tore and the doctor was unsure if she got it all out. Since I was doing great after giving birth it was assumed she did.
I lost alot of blood that day. My hemoglobin levels went from 122 down to 70 (which is super low and they talked about a blood transfusion). While waiting for surgery I was a wreck and had some scary moments in the hospital that I never want to re-live (or go into detail about on this blog). I was a bloody mess (literally).
So did this happen because I had a vbac? Depends. If it was just blood clots that they removed then this would have happened if I had a c-section. If they removed placenta then no this would not have happened if I had a c-section. Do I regret my vbac decision...nope! And according to my doctor he believes I was better off having a vbac and a D&C over a c-section (that's his personal opinion). And I'm happy to report that being put under wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I survived. And to this date I have felt ah-mazing (even with little sleep)!
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