My confession...
And just so you know it kinda pains me to write this...
But I have always wanted a daughter. Always.
There...I've said it. I've admitted it.
And it pains me to say it because I think that if I had a third boy there would have been a little piece of my heart that would have never felt complete. And its painful knowing that I felt like that. Honestly I would hope that I would feel nothing but pure excitement and joy knowing I was going to bring another precious miracle into this world...but secrectly deep down inside, my heart ached for a daughter.
I feel so guilty for even thinking that. I should have felt blessed and humbled...no matter what the gender of my baby was. But when people asked "Are you hoping for a girl?" I'd simply smile and say, "Oh it doesn't matter we just want a healthy baby" when really deep down inside I wanted to scream YES!!!!! And every time I'd ask Lincoln what was in my belly and he'd say "a girl baby" I secretly hoped he was right! I hated feeling that way. I hated that I so badly wanted a daughter.
I thought about the gender of our last baby alot. It was fun and exciting not knowing. Oh the anticipation! I envisioned our life with our new little one. I played out scenes in my head of what our life would be like with another little boy or a little girl. I dreamt of the future. A lot of those visions and dreams were put on hold when we got news of London's heart. I crumbled. I was devastated. And then the guilt set in. I wanted a daughter. I thought of it so much that I had forgotten about what was most important...health. Was I being punished for being so selfish in wanting a daughter? Was God teaching me a lesson? I now know he wasn't! I'd like to believe that God was testing my faith. I think he was humbling me. And I think He was putting things into perspective for me and for that I'm grateful. I've often questioned myself whether I was wrong for thinking that...was it wrong of me to want a daughter? Was I being selfish? Was it bad to think that way? Even now I find myself still feeling guilty.
And just to clarify...we did not have a third to "try for that girl" (ugh it annoyed me when people would say that) and if God would have told me that my third was going to be a boy, I still would have had a third baby (in fact I thought we were having another little boy). I know I still would have felt blessed to have had three boys! I know I still would have placed that tiny little body on mine and whispered in his ear how perfect he was. And I know I would have told him I loved him. And I know the world would have stopped the moment he was born just like it did when my boys were born. I know I would have said things like "I'm so glad your not a girl" (I did with Nate) and I know I would have loved him unconditionally. You don't love your children because of what gender they are...your love for you children is not measurable...it's unconditional. And I think I would have been content with another little boy but I don't think I would have felt complete. I did fear I'd feel disappointed. And not disappointed to have had another boy (there is nothing disappointing about having a third healthy baby boy:-)...but I think I would have felt disappointed not knowing what is was like to have a daughter. And I really didn't want to feel that way. I never felt that way with my boys but knowing this was going to be our last baby I kinda feared I'd never know what is was like to have a daughter. I did yearn for a girl. There was always this piece of my heart that was missing. It was the unknown. And that unknown made my heart ache...what would it be like to have a daughter?
I wanted that bond.
I wanted to know what it was like to be the mother to a little girl.
I wanted to raise a girl.
My mother taught me so much what it was like to be a mom and I wanted to pass that knowledge down to my own daughter.
I had so many dreams about having a daughter. Tea parties, barbies, American dolls, dress up, and shopping. And I wasn't willing to let go of those dreams. I kept them stored in my heart. And not knowing what we were having gave me 9 months of hope:-) And in those 9 months I also saw myself as a mother to 3 boys. A mother that was surrounded by love from 4 men. And that too made me smile:-)
There were a few girly things I had bought throughout the years just in case I ever had a daughter and I have to say that the last few weeks of my pregnancy were rough. My heart shed a little tear every time I opened up that closet and saw all those girl clothes. I just couldn't imagine never having a daughter to wear all those little girly things I had been collecting through the years. And then there was my doll. It's this old ugly doll that use to be my moms and then it was given to me. I always wanted to pass that doll down to my own daughter. I shed tears. I prayed for comfort but my heart still ached for a daughter.
I so desperately wanted to see my husband raise I daughter. I wanted to see him walk her down the aisle. I wanted that so badly. I remember seeing Kevin hold our friends baby girl for the first time. It was actually the same day I found out I was pregnant with Nathan. And I remember my heart melting and I remember thinking "please God let us one day have a daughter." I still have that picture. And it still makes my heart melt every time I look at it.
When Kevin and I were in Hawaii with the boys when I was pregnant he said to me "look Tab, it's your "perfect" family" referring to this beautiful family with 2 little boys and a little girl. I will always remember that moment. I will always remember where we were standing and the feeling I felt when he said that. And I do think my family is perfect...not because I have 2 boys and a girl...but because they are mine and God chose me to be their mamma. And I find contentment in knowing that.
God answered my prayers. I know he heard my cries. And I wish I would have trusted Him more. He knows my future. He had a plan. And He knew I was going to have a daughter. I had my little girl.
I'll never forget that moment, that moment I realized she was a girl. I'll never forget the emotions that flooded my heart. I'll never forget those feelings. That feeling of wholeness. My heart is satisified. And now my dreams get to become reality.
London completes my heart. She completes our family. And I look forward to our future and the relationship we'll build. I can't say it enough but she's the perfect ending to my child bearing days!
No comments:
Post a Comment