Knowing vs Not Knowing

I am not a huge fan of surprises.  And with my pregnancy with the boys we chose to find out.  With Lincoln we found out and told everyone.  With Nathan we found out but didn't tell...in fact very few people knew that we had found out!  I like the way we did it with Nathan-I went to my doctor's before Christmas, had him write it down and on Christmas day I surprised Kevin and had it wrapped up.  It was the last present we opened on Christmas morning and we found out together.  He had no idea I had gone to the doctor's to find out.  It was such a special moment for us!  We decided to keep it from our family's because if we slipped up no one would know.  Plus I wanted to be able to surprise our family (I love surprising others:-)

With London I didn't want to know.  I knew this would probably be my last baby and I knew I was going to have a c-section (or so I thought) and I wanted something to look forward to going into the OR.  It was tempting to find out especially when I had my first ultrasound and there we both were sitting there knowing we could find out.  I am so glad we didn't.  Especially after everything I went through with this pregnancy.  When I found out there could be something wrong with her heart I was devastated.  And you don't realize how hard it is to deal with once you are in that situation.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained and exhausted.  And the last thing on my mind was the baby's gender.  I had about 10 ultrasounds and it was hard not finding out.  And with every ultrasound I had, I had to remind them over and over again, "we don't know what we are having so please don't tell/show us."

Since I don't like surprises I thought it was kinda strange for me to have no desire to know what I was having.  I mean I had my moments where I was curious but I didn't have those deep down I gotta know what I'm having desires like I did with Lincoln and Nate.  I think a lot of it had to do with her heart.  I think emotionally I just didn't want to know.  It was hard enough knowing my little baby could have something wrong with "it's" heart and I think knowing what I was having would have made it harder.  For me knowing kinda bonded the baby and I more and I think with this situation I was scared to know because I was terrified of that bond and then knowing that something could happen to that baby.  It's not that I didn't feel bonded to the baby but knowing just makes things seem more real.  Knowing gave me a glimpse into what our future would look like (if we had a boy or if we had a girl) and I just didn't want to envision our future with our little boy or our little girl knowing that the future of this baby could be questionable.  It's kinda hard to explain but I just felt that I coped better referring to the baby as "baby" or "it" rather than "he" or "she."   I'd say I distance myself from knowing...it helped me cope with what was going on and with what could happen.  And at the end of the day all I wanted was a healthy baby...boy or girl.

I had a few moments where I thought the doctor/nurses had let the "cat out of the bag."  I had a doctor's appointment towards the end of my pregnancy and the doctor said, "so you're having a girl this time right?" 

My response, "um no, I don't know what I'm having." 

Her response, "Either do I, I just thought you knew, but my guess is a girl."
That day I went home and thought, "OK I'm having a girl," but then after that I had two experiences at the hospital where the nurses kept referring to the baby as a "he."

"He's so active"
"Oh HE's stubborn"
"Oh he, he, he..."

And both times I thought, "Come on ladies I told you I didn't know what I was having!"
After my second hospital experience I was for sure convinced I was having another boy...how could I not...on two separate occasions the nurses referred to my baby as a boy...and they both told me they had read my file.  Little did I know...


And I have to tell ya...even though I hate surprises...this truly was the greatest and best surprise. 

Triple checking...yup she's a girl!

It really did create for a different more magical birthing experience.  It's a different feeling.  And I think one of the reasons why it was so amazing was because I thought I was having a boy.  Not that having a boy would have been a bad thing or not as good of a surprise but it's just a different feeling when you think your having a boy and out pops a little girl.  I was so use to seeing little boy parts and this time around seeing something totally different made for a great experience.  And with her being my last baby it was such an amazing and great way to end our baby making days.  I'm still a huge fan of finding out...mainly because I'm super impatient and I love knowing!  But not finding out...is...totally awesome!  I can't believe I just wrote that!

So like I said I thought I was having a boy...why?  Because I was use to boys but I did have 3 experiences which made me think otherwise.

The first was when my mom did the ring test over my belly. She said it would first tell me what I had then what I was having and then if there was going to be any more babies in the future. It started to swing back and forth-which apparently meant a boy (meaning Lincoln). Then it stopped and started swinging back and forth again-meaning Nathan. And then it stopped and started swinging in a circle-meaning I was carrying a girl. It was kinda creepy and I sat up and she never got to finish to see what our future children would be (FYI I do believe we are stopping at 3).  I'm not a full on believer in old wives tales but they are fun to do!

The second moment came when I was home one day. All of a sudden I had this strong feeling I was having a girl. Like I just knew. It was a feeling that just came over me telling me I was having a girl.  It was just this weird kinda calming feeling and I "just knew."  I believed that feeling at first and then I brushed it off and told myself…nope you’re having a boy.

The third moment was the most strange. I was walking in the mall at Christmas time with the two boys. An elderly woman was walking in the opposite direction. As she passed by me she said, “You’re having a girl” and kept walking. It stopped me in my tracks and I turned around and said, “Sorry what was that.” She turned around with her husband and said, “You’re having a girl, and she’s going to be 6 pounds. And she’s healthy” And that was it. I teared up right there in the mall and all I could say was, “thank you.” The words that got to me were-”she’s going to be healthy” Those words dug deep into my soul. Especially since we had a scare with her heart. Funny thing is. I had a girl. She was 6 pounds. And she was healthy. How strange was that random encounter?  I never told anybody about it until London was born.  Was she an angel from above?  I'm going to believe so!

And to all those random strangers who told me I was having a boy because "they could just tell by my belly"...you were wrong!