Kindergarten

Tomorrow marks a new chapter in our lives.  Lincoln starts kindergarten.  It's a day I've been dreading. I think it's the realization that my little boy isn't so little any more.  It pains me knowing he's not going to be home with me every day.  There's a lot of trust that goes into sending your child off to kindergarten and I've come to realize I'm not a very trusting person.  I have to put my trust into his teacher-I'm trusting she'll take care of him.  And I'm trusting my son will make the right decisions. And I'm putting all my trust in the Lord to watch over him when I can't.  This is big for me.  Letting go and trusting others. 

 

First off I have an issue with full time kindergarten.  I don't like the idea.  I understand for some working mothers and fathers its probably more convenient but for me (a stay at home mom) I don't agree with it.  I'd prefer part-time kindergarten.  I'd prefer to have Lincoln home with me for half the day. I just think it's so much for a 5 year old to take in. 6 hours a day at school is a lot.  And selfishly I'm not ready to hand him over to someone else for that long! 

 

Kindergarten is a big deal.  And as a mother I'm worried.  I worry about school shootings, natural disasters, and bullying.  I worry about his safety and well being.  Have a raised a good son?  Have I taught him everything he needs to know.  Have I prepared him?  Will be he nice to others?  Will he show love and compassion?  Will he be respectful and polite?  Will he listen?  Will he obey?  What if he's bullied?  What if he's the bully?  I know these are all things I will continue to teach him but have I instilled those things deep into his heart? Will he be a follower or a leader?  Will he make good decisions?  Will he be nice and make friends easily?   What if he makes friends with the kids you don't want him to make friends with?  What if he's a trouble maker? What if he's a loner and plays by himself?  What if he has difficulty learning?  Will it affect his self esteem?  I've spent countless hours worrying about things I may not even need to worry about but there are just so many "what ifs" and knowing I can't be by his side scares me.

 

Last night after our prayers Lincoln said to me, "mommy can we cuddle?" He loves to cuddle and I'm afraid kindergarten will change him.  I'm afraid he'll no longer want to hold my hand or cuddle.  I'm afraid my goodbye kisses and hugs will embarrass him in front of his friends.  I'm afraid he'll mature into a little man and want less to be with me.  I want him to stay little forever.  I always want him to cuddle and I always want him to call me mommy.  I'm not ready to let go of his hand.  I'm not ready for him to leave my side.  I'm not ready for him to walk away and spread his wings and fly.  I know this is life and I know this is the next stage but I'm not ready for these changes.  I'm not ready to let me baby go.

 

I still can't believe he starts kindergarten this week.  And I can't believe they are going to open those doors and let all those little kindergartners out onto the play ground to roam wild and free.  I don't let me kids play in the backyard without me there with them so knowing he's going to be out on the playground freaks me out!  What happens if someone steals him?!  What happens if he wanders away?  I know it's all part of him growing up but is he ready?

 

This week will be tough.  Probably harder on me than him.  I'm going to miss him.  I already miss him but I know this is the next stage in his life.  He is my first born.  He holds a special place in my heart and he always will.  I know he's excited and I know he's ready.  Now I just need to learn to let go.

 

 

Rag Doll

Ever since I was little I have always made a mental list of things I wanted to do/buy if I ever had a little girl.  I was a girl with big dreams! And after two boys I thought I'd never be able to scratch those things off my list.

Well on December 25, 2011 I got to scratch one item off that mental list.  I got to hand down my doll Molly to my daughter.

Meet Molly:

Molly holds a special place in my heart.  Not only was she the doll I slept with every night (up until the night I go married) but she use to be my moms doll.  I found her years ago in the toy box at my grandmas house (she was in much better condition then) and ever since then she's been my doll.  I always had this dream of one day having a daughter and passing that doll down to her.  Needless to say I was thrilled when that time finally came:-)

Now Molly isn't exactly in the best condition.  She's double sided, her dress is falling apart, and she's stuffed with pantyhose (I've been told she was made by nuns).  After I had London I knew I wanted to get her her very own rag doll in hopes that one day she'll pass both rag dolls down to her daughter.  I had searched abit but I still hadn't found "the one."  I resumed my search a month ago and came across the most perfect rag doll from Etsy.  I fell in love with it instantly and contacted the seller from Piggyhatespanda!  I was able to customize her skin tone, hair style, hair color and outfit.  And the seller has been absolutely amazing, so kind and so patient with answering my questions and dealing with my indecisiveness.  Once I ordered the doll I have to admit I was a tad bit nervous. This was a dream of mine coming true and I wanted this doll to be perfect.  It was part of my "I have a dream" moments...I did not want to be let down!  And I wasn't!  When I opened up the package, I stared down at the most perfect rag doll. 

I may have even gasped. 

Perfection. 

I shed tears. 

I love when dreams come true.  I love everything about this doll and what she presents.  She's so much more than a doll.

Here she is:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/piggyhatespanda?ref=seller_info_count

http://www.etsy.com/shop/piggyhatespanda?ref=seller_info_count

http://www.etsy.com/shop/piggyhatespanda?ref=seller_info_count

http://www.etsy.com/shop/piggyhatespanda?ref=seller_info_count

She's seriously the sweetest doll.  There's just something I love about handmade products.  I think it's the time, care and dedication that was put into making her.  She is not mass produced.  She was not made in China.  She is unique and she was crafted out of pure love.  I was amazed at how well she was made and every detail is perfect...just perfect.  I can't stop admiring her.

She was suppose to be an Easter present for London but I don't know if I should wait till her 2nd birthday.  I know once she gets a hold of this doll she will never be the same:-)

9 Months

My babies at 9 months:-)  Love how they all have a look of their own!



Lincoln
 

 Nathan
 

London
It's hard to tell in this picture but her hair is sssoooo blonde and she doesn't have alot of it! 

 Here's a better picture of her blonde whisps!



Binge and Purge (of Clothing that is)

Last year around this time I went on a cleaning spree of our house and I was committed to getting rid of anything and everything we didn't use and/or need.  It came to a halt when I went on bed rest. 

Every few months I go through our closets and get rid of clothes...it's usually when Big Brother phones or Canadian Diabetes.  What really sparked my cleaning binge was my up and coming shopping trip with a good friend.  I dug deep and I've been cleaning like a mad woman.  I think I've eliminated about a third of my clothes if not more.  In fact my closet looks bare and Kevin even commented on how much more clothing he has then me (this has never happened).  I'm a slight hoarder.  I have a pair of jeans from grade 9.  I believe they are boot cut.  I've kept them because I can still fit into them.  It's not as impressive at it sounds...I'm sure the elastic in the jean material is shot therefore that is the only reason why I have been able to get into them.  I think the last time I wore them was when I was preggers with Lincoln...that would be 5 years ago.  FYI they have been donated.  I've also been hoarding the clothes I left the hospital in after I've had my babies...and the shirt I was wearing when Kevin proposed....over 7 years ago.  I've also been holding on to my "work" clothes...even though I don't have a job.  Nothing good can come from holding onto "work" clothes for when I return to work...in say 5-6 years.

I've also learned a few things as I've been going through my closet:

-Don't buy clothes when your pregnant with intentions to wear them when your NOT...they never look as good later on.

-Don't buy clothes right after you've HAD the baby because you assume it's going to look good once you've lost the baby weight.

-Don't impulse buy...I think I'm bad for this.  Especially when I'm having a good hair day or the lighting in the change room is just right making my skin look flawless.  It's moments like that when I buy it all only to end up coming home and seeing something completely different in the mirror.

The truth is...I put more effort into clothing my kids then I do myself.  I get so busy getting the 3 littles ones ready that by the time I get to myself we're running late and I end up throwing on jeans and a t-shirt.  I tend to gravitate towards the same things day in and day out.  And Pinterest almost makes things worse.  Ugh!  Pinterest is flooded with super cool outfits and when your in the midst of a closet clean out it can be a good thing and a bad thing.  It's bad because I look at the outfits on Pinterest and at my own clothes and it makes me feel drab but on the other hand Pinterest gives me ideas of new things to buy.  In fact I've started a list of items I'm in search of!

Now that fall is here I'm going to start cleaning out every square inch of this house.  I've started with the laundry room and hall closet.  I found a basket full of scarves and pashmina's from forever ago and those have all been donated.  I have this super large basket in our hallway closet with winter items in them (goggles, gloves, hats scarves etc.) and I have 2 baskets in the laundry room with towels and blankets for summer.  I've decided to switch these items around seeing as we won't be using our towels and blankets any more and now the winter items are more accessible. 

It feels good to clean but yet it's also a bit sickening seeing the bags of clothes and knowing there are hundreds if not thousands of dollars just sitting there.  This upcoming shopping trip I'm going to focus on getting some classic good quality pieces that can be paired with cheaper trendier items.  I want to re-vamp my wardrobe and seeing as I'm about to turn 30.  It's about time I binge on some new clothing for myself:-)

In the mean time I'll be happy purging of old clothes.

First Week of School

Lincoln I survived his first week of school!  And I shed a few tears as I drove off!  He loved it!  And settled in nicely.  Went straight for the trucks and didn't care one bit that we were leaving.  I guess that's better than him screaming and being held back as I try to escape.  He's 4 and I know he needs to slowly (key word being slowly) spread his wings and fly.  It's hard as a mother to accept the fact that my baby is growing up and there is nothing I can do to stop or slow down time.

That morning I asked how he was feeling, he said, "I'm not nervous, I'm excited!"  And he was!

I snapped a billion photos to the point were Lincoln kept saying "no more!"  And then I got the look from Kev as he informed me I needed to respect his wishes.  I tried.

The 2.5 hours went by fast.  Nathan, London and I headed south for some gas and ice cream (the border line ups are no longer hours long) then we went back home for lunch.  Before I knew it it was 2:13 pm and we were running out the door to pick up brother.

I think Nathan had a hard time the first day.  On our drive home he told me he missed Lincoln.  It broke my heart.  And he didn't understand why Lincoln got to stay at preschool and he didn't.  I'll be honest...it's kinda nice and quiet with just 2 and I think I'm going to enjoy some one on one time with just Nathan...I think he needs it:-)

So I asked all sorts of questions when I picked him up and once at home he confessed...he didn't want to share the digger with his friend at school and he got "in trouble."  I think I may have "that" child...the one with sharing issues!  I'm hoping and praying that this won't become a larger issue!

 

 

I picked out 2 outfits for his first day of school and he chose to wear the shirt and vest (he kept telling us how cool he looked:-) and I thought he looked adorable...although I am biased.  My sister said he was going to get made fun of (because of his clothes) and as his mother I'd like to think otherwise...I always have my kids best interest at heart...even when it comes to the clothing they wear...and then I had flashbacks...

 

Kindergarten 1988...My mother had my best interest at heart right?  Permed hair and white boots.  I hated that outfit and that permed hair!  Dear Lincoln, Nathan and London...I promise to never perm your hair:-) 

 







A Year Ago...

August 19, 2011 was suppose to be a good day for us...a good day for our family.  It was my routine ultrasound with baby #3.  That morning I was all sorts of emotions.  I knew this would most likely be our last baby therefore it was going to be our last routine ultrasound.  I was excited, nervous, happy, scared, and anxious.  I always get nervous before ultrasounds.  And this time I was a little more nervous and I was a little more anxious about what to do when it came to knowing the baby's gender.  I said I didn't want to know.  But I know myself and I knew I might be tempted when the time came.  I was also a bit nervous that maybe they'd accidentally reveal the gender or we'd see some "parts."  I don't know why but I was more nervous this time around.  Looking back I think it was hindsight.

 

At 9:18 am Kevin and I saw the most perfect baby.  Our baby.  And later that day after work I wrote this but never published it:

"Today we saw this:

There are no words to describe it...just the emotions in my heart. And my eyes welled up with tears and I fell madly deeply in love all over again with this precious little baby.

It's moments like this that will never get old. I told the technologist that my baby was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. He responded by saying "they're all cute." No dude they aren't all cute only mine is the cutest (yes OK I know I'm extremely biased but come on we all think it...our babies are the cutest). But I wasn't going to argue...I knew my baby was the cutest:-)"

I was in love but I knew something was wrong.  I just knew.  The technologist spent a little more time taking measurements of the baby's heart...and I just knew deep down inside my own heart that something was wrong.

And then the phone call came later that day.  Nothing in the world prepares you for such news.

                             "Shortly after I wrote this post my doctor phoned and I heard the words no mother ever wants to hear:

 "I don't want to scare you but..."

too late, my heart stopped, I'm panicking...
 
"Your baby has pericardial effusion"

 

 

Those gut wrenching words.  The feeling that your world is crumbling, falling apart at your feet.  My head was spinning and it felt as if I had just been kicked in the stomach.  I so badly didn't want to hear the words that were coming out of his mouth.  I wanted to scream "NO this isn't happening!"  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to rewind time and pause it.  I didn't want this to be  happening.  But it was and I knew it was and my heart ached.  It ached so bad for my unborn baby.

 

We were told the fluid around the baby's heart was at a high normal level and that I would need to have a further, more detailed ultrasound at BC Woman's Hospital to get more information.  I asked the same questions over and over again but yet my mind couldn't retain any of that information.  I couldn't process what was going on.   I was a mess.  

"I am panicking. I am worried. I am fearful. And I am an emotional wreck. I want all my babies to be healthy. I would give anything for that. It all just feels like a bad dream and the worst part about falling asleep, is waking up knowing it wasn't just a bad dream."

I never did publish that post.  It was too hard.  It's still so hard to read and I still get emotional thinking about it.  In my post I asked for prayers, but really I was begging and pleading.  I needed every prayer I could get.  I prayed harder then I ever had.  I made all sorts of promises to God.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I promised to give up all my wordly possessions..."just please let me baby be ok!"

Waiting for my next ultrasound was the longest wait of my life.  How do you just sit and wait.  It was all out of my control.  There was nothing I could do.

On September 1, 2011 we arrived at BC Woman's Hospital.  My stomach in knots.  My anxiety high.  I prayed and I prayed over and over again.  I started sacrificing our money, our house, our cars, the clothes off my back...anything and everything.  I kept praying for our baby's health.

The ultrasound was extensive.  There were a lot of people in the room including a paediatric heart doctor (I don't know his exact title).  They were very open and vocal about what they were seeing but they seemed positive and optimistic and that in turn calmed my nerves and eased my fears abit.

And then came another gut wrenching blow.  They asked to measure my cervix because Lincoln was born 5 weeks early and it was never understood why.  I obliged and had my cervix measured.  It was short.  1.9cm to be exact.  Two weeks earlier it was 4cm.  This was not normal and it was worrisome to the doctors.  At first I didn't get it.  I was more concerned about the baby's heart.  I didn't understand what they were getting at until we met with the doctor.  She said I was at risk for a pre-mature baby.  Still no biggie for me...Lincoln alot to process.  My emotions and thoughts were scattered everywhere!

It hit me the next day...hard and 5 days later I was emotionally wrecked.  Completely drained.  I was devastated.  On September 6, 2011, exactly a year ago today, I walked back into work after my doctors appointment, to inform my manager I was going on bed rest until further notice.  Little did I know that would be my last day of work.  I didn't get to leave my job skipping out the door with a big smile on my face and my box of personal belongings.  I left with swollen eyes from crying and a heavy heart.  I cried in my car the whole way home.  It was not how I ever envisioned my last day of work and it definitely wasn't how I envisioned my last pregnancy.

The days, weeks and months after that were the hardest days of my life.  Emotionally I was lost.  Up one minute down the other.  I've never experienced so many highs and lows in my life.  It was a very dark time in my life but yet it was also filled with so much light and love.  I kept thinking back to the day I found out I was pregnant.  After I celebrated the good news with Kev I got this sick feeling that something was wrong and that something was going to happen.  I tried to brush it off.  I always worry.  I hoped it was just me being my worrisome self.  I think deep down I always knew.  And what worried me the most was knowing that we were not exempt from having something wrong with our baby.  Bad things  happened to good people all the time.  It was such an unsettling feeling.

People would ask how I was doing and I'd smile and say fine.  I didn't like talking about it.  Deep down inside I wanted to scream "I'm not fine!  I'm a wreck.  I want to close my eyes and sleep until this baby is born."  I wanted to go back in time before we found out about her heart!  I so badly wanted this to just be a nightmare.  I didn't want this to be my reality.  And when reality did set in, it hurt.  It hurt so bad.  I loved that baby in my belly and it was a real simple decision to not find out the gender because I knew deep down in my heart that if we found out what we were having things would change.  I would be come more attached.  I would start dreaming of our life with our little boy or little girl.  I just couldn't go there.  I knew it would hurt too much if things didn't go in our favor.  I couldn't bring myself to that place.  I was already attached and already so in love.  I was scared to fall deeper in love, and deeply attached.  I was scared for the hopes and dreams I had for that baby because I didn't know what the future held.  I needed to take it every day at a time and not knowing what we were having helped me cope with the situation.

I spent my days on the couch, waiting, watching time pass.  It wasn't easy with the 2 boys. I wasn't always patient and we watched way too many cartoons.  The highlight for me was pumpkin spice lattes.  It was my "out of the house" treat.  When I needed out of the house I'd pack up the boys and go get a pumpkin spice latte.  We'd take a drive or I'd take them to Eagle Mountain Park.  When I drink pumpkin spice lattes I think of my pregnancy with London and that warms my heart.  And the other day, when I had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season, it brought me back to last year and all that it held.  A simple taste brought back so many memories and so many emotions.

London's pregnancy seemed like I was running the longest race of my life and with each passing week I got closer and closer to the finish line.  Sometimes I was running full steam ahead.  Other times I was dragging myself and the finish line seemed so far away.  But I didn't stop, I dragged my beaten body to that finish line and when I got there it was the sweetest victory.  Each week I celebrated.  Each milestone was such a victory.  I don't want it to come across that my pregnancy with London sucked.  There were times when it did.   It was a very trying time in my life.  But there was plenty of good that came from her pregnancy as well.  I got to spend so much time with my boys, my strength and belief in God was renewed, and I was afraid my third pregnancy would fly by and trust me...it didn't:-)  When I'd feel a little kick or she'd roll around...those were the moments that made it good.  Those were the times I enjoyed and loved being pregnant.  Feeling that little babe inside me knowing that the longer she stayed in the healthier she'd get (although I didn't know she was a she:-)  I loved my belly and I loved my baby.  I just didn't love the reminder that there was always something wrong...my cervix and her heart.  That never left my mind.  Those thoughts were always there.  They burdened me.

And on December 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm (10 days after mine, my moms and sister in laws birthday) I finished that race.  And I won.  And that moment when that sweet little girl was placed on my chest was one of the greatest moments of my life.  To see that baby and knowing she was healthy...oh there are no words.  I clutched that body to my chest and I prayed.  I thanked the Lord over and over again.  I don't know why He gave us a healthy baby but I will be forever grateful.

I can still feel that sweet victorious moment.

 

When my mom saw this photo she said, "you're praying."  Indeed I was!  So grateful for that moment and my healthy daughter.

 

I still get emotional just thinking about her birth and all that I went through with her pregnancy.  But I know one thing for sure...it strengthened my faith.  In moments like that I knew 2 things could happen-I could blame God and be angry at Him or I could have faith and believe.  I chose to believe and have faith and I still do!

The thought of another baby is tempting to be quite honest.  I know my husband is done.  He's very content with 3 but I on the other hand have had to think about it.  I've had to dig deep into my heart to find the answer.  Am I content with 3?  And the answer to that: Yes, yes I am.  I love baby's.  I love feeling them inside my belly, I love birthing them, I love the snuggles and all the firsts!  But having one more baby won't ever make those feelings go away.  I will always want more children but I think my body is done.  I've had to go to the dark place, those months of waiting for the unknown.  I don't want to go back there again.  I am content with counting my blessings and I am grateful with the 3 beautiful and healthy baby's the Lord has blessed me with.  And with that...my heart is whole.  It felt whole the moment London came into this world.

On August 19, 2012, 1 year after London's routine ultrasound...I celebrated quietly to myself.  I reflected on the last year and I thanked the Lord for the billionth time for our sweet baby girl.  On that day I danced with her and rocked her to sleep.  She is my little miracle.  She's my best friend.  She's the one that made my heart whole.  She helped to re-new my faith and showed me all the things that were important in life.  Yes, she completes me:-)

If someone told me a year later I'd be sitting her with my beautiful healthy baby girl I don't think I'd believe them.  In fact when people told me everything was going to be OK because they just knew it, I didn't believe them.  I didn't have the same confidence.  I thought the worst.  There was one person I did believe...that sweet angel lady in the mall...who walked by me and said, "you're having a girl" and kept walking.  I turned around and stopped her and she told me I was having a girl and she was going to be 6 pounds and she was going to be healthy.  I believed her.  That complete stranger in the mall...in my heart an angel.  She calmed my heart...she truly did.  She eased my mind and a peace came over me.  I can't explain what her words did to me.  I have big babies, even my premature Lincoln was a big baby, and that lady was right I had a 6 pound, healthy little girl.   

Here we are a year later and I have never been more in love.  I'm in awe of her and all that she has taught me.  She's my missing piece.  And she fills me heart with a different kind of love.  One that can't be explained, only felt.  And it's the best feeling ever.  She is my constant reminder that life is short and to not take anything for granted.  She has given me a new perspective on life.  She radiates beauty and all things good and whole and perfect.

Funny how so much can change in a year:-)

 

She is my daughter.  And today I will be grateful for where we are at in our lives.  She is here and she is healthy.  Thank you God for my sweet London Mackenna Lee!

"My precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

-Footprints in the Sand

Meet the Teachers

Today was "meet the teachers" day at Lincoln's pre-school.  He's met them once before but today was the official meeting day and the realization that soon, very soon, my little boy will be in school three afternoons a week.  Bittersweet.

He asked me to take a picture of him in front of his new school.  So I snapped a few and he says to me "one more."  That's my boy:-) 

All I can say is that I am so blessed and so happy that Lincoln is in such a great pre-school with such amazing teachers (aren't they all?:-)!  His teachers radiate love and patience.  Bless their hearts.  And bless them for being in a room with so many 4 year olds without going crazy.  All pre-school teachers need a pat on the back! 

And the tear jerker for me is when his teacher said to me "we feel so honoured that you trust us with your son."  I had to repeat to myself "hold it together, hold it together...this a a pre-school meet and great!" as tears pooled in my eyes.   I hope she didn't notice.  I don't know why this process is so emotional for me?  Is it because I'm having to slowly let go?  Is it because he's not always going to be with me?  Sometimes my kids drive me crazy. Absolutely crazy. But I always love that we are together.

I already know it...his first day of pre-school is going to be a "cut the cord" moment.  I will ugly cry...that is a given.  I will probably sit in my car and bawl like a baby.  I'll be a hot mess.  I'll probably sob the whole way home.  My baby is growing up.  But at the same time I know my heart will be leaping for joy for him.  He is so excited about school.  And I'm excited for him (really I am).  September 10, 2012 will be Lincoln's first day of school.  No longer will my little boy be home with my 24/7.  That makes me want to cry now just thinking about it.  That makes me want to shelter him and never let him go.  I don't know if I'm ready for this.  This whole "school" thing.  It's going to be the first "real" day where I have to let him go...into the care of someone else that isn't family or a good friend.  He's becoming more and more independent.  And I'm slowly letting go... 

I received a list of things we need for the first day of school:
-new Velcro, non-marking shoes...awesome
-a change of clothes
-comfort items in ziploc bag in case of an earthquake.

Yes a freakin earthquake!  What happens if there is an earthquake and Lincoln's at school?  That thought clenches my heart.  And the reality sets in that I will not always have Lincoln by my side.  He's going to grow up.  In fact it's happening right before my very eyes.  I honestly don't really want to think about that too much.  Why does time have to go by so fast?

I know pre-school will be good for him (or daycare as my dad calls it).  I know he needs it.  I know he needs time away from his brother and sister.  I know he needs to grow and learn and meet new friends without me hovering over him watching his every move.  This is his moment.  His first real steps into the "big world."  And I know there are lot's to look forward to...art work, stories about his day, show and tell and watching him grow academically.

This will be a new routine for us.  One that will take some adapting to.  I'm already a ball of emotions.  Oh boy...here come the tears...this isn't going to be easy (for me at least:-)

And I'll close with a cute little Lincoln conversation.
Lincoln: "mommy how do I stop growing?"
Me: "You can't"
Lincoln: "well what happens when I'm too big and can't fit into the house?"

The sweet innocence of a 4 year old.  I love it!